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August 27, 2007

Going Postal

Return to SenderIf there’s one thing in this world that I love, it’s getting mail. Seriously. Ask Todd if you don’t believe me. So when I go two days in a row without receiving any, I notice it. When three days in a row come and go with no mail, I start to get suspicious. Forget the fourth day, because by day five I’m suspecting an outright conspiracy. Six? This is torture. Seven? I’m about to blow something, or someone, up.

Take cover everyone, because we’re on day seven right now and still no mail.

To quell my paranoia, I decided to leave a note for the other tenants in my building:

Is anyone else NOT getting mail? Just curious.

Two days go by before I get my first response – which was a “no.” When I got home from work today, the post-it note I had put up was full of responses... all of them “no.”

I called the landlord to see what the dilly was. He said that he was in contact with the post office and apparently they can’t get into our mailbox. Someone must have lost the key. There’s currently a work order in place to correct the problem. Unfortunately, the work order has been in place for a week now. Who knows when it’ll actually be fixed. In the meantime, however, it appears that we can pick up our mail at the local post office.

Did the mail man leave a note telling us that? No. Has someone’s bill already been issued AND returned to sender? Yes, the landlord told me that (sorry if it was you, that sucks). Not that I was eager to receive all 12 of my credit card offers, but what if I was expecting something important? I suppose it was just too much trouble for the mail man to let us know that we could pick it up ourselves at the post office.

I was told that this isn’t the first time our kind mail man pulled this crap. And what happened when our landlord complained about the problem? It just took longer to correct. Because really, who else is going to deliver our mail?

Posted by Seth at 07:41 PM | Comments (6)

August 21, 2007

Top 10 Worst Movies of the Summer: A BMN Reflection

Another summer gone, another plethora of bad movies attended. With my near-infinite knowledge of bad movies, it’s only fair that I try to arrange them in order of worse to worst.

Hostel: Part II10. Hostel: Part II
The first of the three torture porns fared the best. And if you’ve seen the first “Hostel,” then this is just more of the same. Except worse. But not MUCH worse, because the first one wasn’t that great.

9. Evan Almighty
It’s sad, but not unusual, when a co-star steals the show in a movie. It’s sadder when you take said co-star, make them the star, and he can’t carry the sequel all that well. This movie was too scripted, too cg’d and not the right vehicle for Steve Carell. But he should’ve known better with Wanda Sykes being involved.

8. License to Wed
John Krasinski’s first starrer wasn’t nearly as bad as RottenTomatoes.com made it out to be. Sure it was lame, overly formulaic and featured a not-that-funny-anymore Robin Williams... but it was better than many made it out to be. Oh, but it DID have Wanda Sykes in it, soooooo.

7. Underdog
Yet another in a long string of failed attempts of turning pop culture into film success. This time, it dragged Jason Lee down with it. Sigh.

6. Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
Easily the worst comic book movie I’ve seen. And that’s saying a lot when you have to consider the likes of Hulk, Electra and Daredevil. This ended up being an hour and a half long commercial with jokes aimed at children. But that’s fine, I never really liked the Fantastic Four anyway.

5. Captivity
The second torture porn film of the summer was pretty stinky. When you have a marketing campaign that looks better than the film, that’s not good. When you have an acclaimed director producing piles of crap like this, it’s even worse.

Daddy Day Camp4. Delta Farce
I really do wish that making a movie was as easy as watching “ˇThree Amigos!”, getting a washed-up “white trash” comedian and writing about 70 15-second short films. This film had no direction, zero funny parts and bah, who cares?

3. I Know Who Killed Me
The third, and last, torture porn flick was the cream of the crop. Lindsay Lohan did the best job she could in trying to earn a Razzie and the audience was treated to what could be considered (en masse) the worst movie of the year.

2. Who’s Your Caddy?
Stereotypes ran amuck in this “Caddyshack” wanna-be. Were there big-name stars in it? No. Were there great jokes? No. Were there any convicted sex-offenders? Bingo.

1. Daddy Day Camp
Can anyone say “straight-to-video?” Or how about, “Cuba, your career is over.”

I can’t wait until Christmas!!!

Posted by Seth at 06:50 PM | Comments (3)

August 20, 2007

Should I Jettison Jettason My Car?

My car, when it was wrecked. A question to my readers... should I sell my car (2000 Volkswagon Jetta) and not immediately get a new one? Maybe get a scooter for things I need to do in town? Possibly rent a car, or bus it/fly, when I need to go long distances? Are there enough friends in KC to help me get around when/if I need to go somewhere like Target?

This is something I’ve been thinking about for a while now and could use some help. Help get jump off the ledge or talk some sense into me, please.

Posted by Seth at 06:24 PM | Comments (12)

August 19, 2007

BMN: Double Feature!?!

The title of this post is no lie, and, my oh my, what a night it was. In what could be the final Bad Movie Night of the summer, we decided that it was time to test our endurance and plan a double feature. We were all gung-ho, but also apprehensive at the same time. Could three-plus hours of bad movies be tolerated? Of course they could and we were just the men to do it. So we headed off to the theaters to become stupider.

BMN: Daddy Day Camp

Daddy Day Camp What usually happens when a not-so-critically acclaimed movie nearly makes $100 in the box office and can't get their stars to come back for the sequel? It goes straight-to-video, that's what. Not in the case of “Daddy Day Camp.” This Fred Savage (yes, that Fred Savage) directed film is one that couldn't afford, coerce, or kidnap Eddie Murphy and make him come back for the sequel. Why this film didn't go straight-to-video is beyond me. Maybe they wanted to make a good movie (oops) and earn tons of money at the box office – $3.4M opening weekend.

The sadder point is that Cuba Gooding Jr. has fallen. Hard. Let's take a look at the number of quality films he's been in since his award winning role in “Jerry Maguire:”

Now THAT is an impressive one-sheet for credentials. If that doesn't sell you on going to see Daddy Day Camp, then maybe the promising up-and-coming harbinger of bad movies, Tamala Jones, could sway you. No? How about the unheard ofs Paul Rae, Josh McLerran and Spencir Bridges? Still not impressed? Well how about this note that I found while surfing the internet? It's from the Academy to Cuba:

Dear Mr. Jr.,

Upon screening your latest film, Daddy Day Camp, we must ask you to cease and desist making bad films, especially those with Disney. We turned our heads when Snow Dogs came out. We did a double-take when Home on the Range premiered. And now, Jr., it really must stop. You're an Oscar winner. And don't try to bring up the whole Bill Murray argument. Yes, he's a good actor and for some reason starred in Garfield... two times. But he hasn't won an Oscar and he really likes cats. He can do what he wants.

We highly recommend you either stop making films altogether and come back in 10 years, or hire a better agent. If you fail to comply with our request, we'll be forced to show a clip of you in Boat Trip during the In Memoriam montage. No one wants that.

Sincerely,
The Academy

BMN: Underdog

Underdog One of the nice things about growing up is the realization of your peers being in control of what comes out of Hollywood. It's fun to see a lot of the famous comic book franchises and 80s pop culture icons becoming live-action major motion pictures. Sometimes with good results, sometimes bad. And sometimes you come across movies that should've never been made at all. Why does Hollywood insist on destroying good things?

No one is really sure, but let's assume money has a lot to do with it. So what's the latest get-rich-quick-and-destroy-another-bit-of-someone's-childhood-memories movies? Have much fear, because Jason Lee lent his voice to star as “Underdog.” What is Lee thinking!?! To make matters worse, guess who's starring in the holiday blockbuster “Alvin and the Chipmunks?” Yup. You guessed it. Jason Lee.

I don't even know what to say about this movie, except it was very sad to see just how bad Hollywood could screw something like that up.

It's not even worth words, really. I just wish that those in power of Hollywood would actually try and take time to make these nostalgic movies into something good. I'm sure that the writers have every intention of bringing these memories to life and to be as true to the story as possible. But when you have Underdog talking about eating cat crap, then it's obvious that Hollywood doesn't give a shit about retaining any type of integrity.


The nice thing is that, for the first time ever (in my attendance), we had the theater to ourselves. Nice.

And with that, I believe that we have concluded our summer of bad movies. We, or I, will see one or two bad movies over the holidays, but you'll have to wait for more official BMNs until next summer. Enjoy the movies and please only pay for the ones that are really good.

Posted by Seth at 01:21 PM | Comments (2)

August 16, 2007

Fairtilizer Rulez

UPDATE: I've got more invites now, if anyon wants one!

In reading my many RSS feeds (view my shared items or subscribe to them), I came across the web site Fairtilizer – which is a mix between MySpace Music and Digg. You can upload and share songs, plus vote on your favorites. Then, you can listen to what people have voted on the most, post comments and even create your own playlists... like this one, below. Check it out and go sign up for the beta. If I had more invites, I'd offer them out.

Posted by Seth at 09:54 AM | Comments (3)

August 14, 2007

BMN: Who’s Your Caddy?

“We see bad movies so that we can truly appreciate the good ones.”

Who's Your CaddySometimes you dread going to Bad Movie Night. Sometimes you outright fear it (right, Scoot?). Embarking to see what some would call Caddyblack, turned out to be the longest 90 minutes of my movie life. Scoring a whopping 8% on RottenTomatoes – seeing that only 24 critics were brave enough to see it – “Who’s Your Caddy” was easily one of the most pointless movies ever, ever, ever created.

The premise of the movie is all to similar to “Caddyshack.” Taken from IMDB’s plot outline for Caddyshack and amended for Who’s Your Caddy: An exclusive golf course has to deal with a brash new member and a destructive dancing gopher group of friends.

That’s it.

Ooooo, but wait! It’s a great chance for some Wayans Brother style fish-outta-water stuff! And by fish-outta-water, I mean the most over the top, stereotypical stuff that can be written. Here’s a checklist of the jokes:

I’m sure there’s more, but I can’t remember them now. If you take that list, add in a few marijuana jokes, fart jokes, tricking out a golf cart, etc... you come up with your lame-ass movie.

Honestly, there didn’t seem to be a reason behind making this movie. The jokes fell flat (save a very few, like, two) and there wasn’t one redeeming quality that I can find. The movie was so horrible, in fact, that I had a very tough time trying to find an angle on which to write this review.

If there’s one thing positive to say about Who’s Your Caddy, it’s the fact that the harbinger of bad movies, Wanda Sykes, wasn’t in it! She must be too busy selling out to “good movies,” to be in crud like this. But since she wasn’t in it, someone had to take her place. That someone would be Finesse Mitchell. Yes, the same Finesse Mitchell that flunked out of Saturday Night Live after making zero people laugh over a span of three years. According to IMDB:

His best known character to date on "Saturday Night Live" is Starkisha, a "sassy" "ghetto girl" who finds it necessary to comment on all situations. Mitchell also appears frequently on "Weekend Update" to mock bizarre African-American first names, including his own.

Ring any bells? No? Shocking!

Just don’t go see this. You’d do better to take some Tylenol PM and see how long you balance on one leg.

Posted by Seth at 06:30 AM | Comments (4)

August 13, 2007

“The Good Reverend” Gunderson

Alas, the “Month of Seth” (which included 1 weekend trip to Southern Missouri and 3 to Fayetteville) is over... and it ended with a bang. The grand finale was Todd and Sarah’s wedding this past Saturday night. It was held at the Clinton House Museum in Fayetteville and, thanks to OpenOrdination.org, it featured me, “The Good Reverend” Gunderson as its minister.

Even though it was a super hot day in the mountains, it was hands down the best wedding/reception I’ve ever been to. Everything there – the decor, the food, the style – it was Sarah and Todd to a T. I couldn’t have imagined it any different in my head and I was extremely humbled to be a part of it.

The wedding there was the first since Bill and Hilary Clinton were wed there over 30 years ago. It must’ve been some pretty big news, because it made the front page of the newspaper. The full article is a great read and will give you a feel for how the ceremony was and what went down. I’ve also created an info-graph comparing the two weddings, in case you were curious.

Congratulations to my great friends, Todd and Sarah. I know that this is a great start to many more awesome years to come.

Posted by Seth at 01:48 PM | Comments (3)

August 02, 2007

alli - The Easy Way to Lose Weight

alli If you’re a frequent Target shopper (or maybe even Wal-Mart, I wouldn’t know since I haven’t been there in nearly two years), you may have noticed something new in the personal care section. I’m referring to the new FDA approved, over-the-counter weight loss product called alli. There’s a huge endcap display in the Target stores I go to, so it’s pretty hard to miss.

I was talking about how alli works with a friend of mine and he said I HAD to check something out. The drug essentially blocks a quarter of the fat you consume from being digested in your body. It passes through the body naturally and is not harmful. It just won’t look like your normal dookie when it comes out.

But here’s the kicker. When reading the side treatment effects section on the web site, you begin to uncover some crazy advice. Such as...

You may feel an urgent need to go to the bathroom. Until you have a sense of any treatment effects, it’s probably a smart idea to wear dark pants, and bring a change of clothes with you to work

And...

You may not usually get gassy, but it’s a possibility when you take alli. The bathroom is really the best place to go when that happens

So for all those out there that want to know what it’s like to NOT have your gallbladder... here’s your chance. It’s not exactly the same, but I think you’ll get the picture.

Posted by Seth at 07:25 AM | Comments (8)

August 01, 2007

BMN: I Know Who Killed Me

“We see bad movies so that we can truly appreciate the good ones.”

I Know Who Killed MeI apologize for not having a BMN review last week – we decided to treat ourselves to a preview showing of “Superbad” (and by all means, go see it when it comes out... hilarious). While it was nice to see a good movie for a change, it was almost torture to drag ourselves back to the theater for this week’s gem, “I Know What You Did Last Summer Who Killed Me.” Even though the film is only getting a 7% at Rotten Tomatoes, it was reviews like this that made us break the rules of Bad Movie Night and see this movie quick – as we feared another “Gigli,” where the movie barely lasted a week in circulation.

So could it be in the running for worst movie of 2007? Well, since I’ve already talked about how to successfully write/direct a crappy horror film (and still get it distributed), why not talk about something a little different? SPOILER ALERT (as if you’re really going to go see the film)

14 Ways To Successfully Write/Direct A Crappy Torture Porn (And Still Get It Distributed)

  1. Show boobs in the first 30 seconds: If there’s one thing dudes love, it’s boobs. So let’s make them happy right off the bat. Show some stripers dancing around at the very first of the film and then sporadically throughout the rest of the movie. If you show enough of them, no guy will care how crappy your film is.
  2. Give the torturer NO motive for killing: Since when do torturers have motives? This isn’t just another one of those Saw films... this is a torture porn, people! Those that torture do it out of love, not reason... or they do it because their best students stop playing piano. One of the two.
  3. The torturer’s torture chamber MUST be creepy: Think of this as a secret lair. A secret lair for a torturer, that is! If I were a torturer, I’d want something in a basement with little, to no, light. Maybe a giant furnace for blowing glass. I’ll probably need an old school white ceramic tub, you know, so the super red blood of my victims stands out against the white tub in my low-light atmosphere. And to make sure this is the creepiest torture chamber ever, I’m going to hang about 40 prosthetic legs in the walkways.
  4. Put as many non-plot points in the film as possible: We’re not writing a thriller, this is torture porn. Therefore, you should insert as many unnecessary plot points into the film as possible. How about a sexy young gardner that has GOD as a part of his license plate number? Or maybe a tall oafy-looking cop that never says anything but just stares? Maybe you could have a drug/gang banger on a bus whose tattoo comes to life while he cries? You see where I’m going right? Just mess with the audience, don’t worry about tying it all together.
  5. Teenagers must freak their parents out somehow: This is a little play on words exercise. The genre is torture porn, right? So let’s torture a parent while the teenagers have sex upstairs. And get this, the parents can hear them! Genius.
  6. Blow all your special effects budget on prosthetic limbs, not real ones: The key to any great horror/torture porn is great special effects. We want to see gore and blood... and lots of it. But here’s the key – don’t believe all the hype that says the best way to show gore is to not show it at all. That’s BS. Instead, show fingers and hands being cut off – no one’s done that before. Ready to take it to the next level? How about someone trying to sew their severed finger back on (don’t worry about explaining how the bone would heal) with black thread! Gross! But if you REALLY want to freak people out, spend your entire FX budget on robotic limbs!!! Oooooooo!
  7. Mock the physically disabled: As a film maker, it’s your duty to take what we know as fact and throw it out the window. Like physical rehabilitation for patients with severed limbs. We all know in real life this could easily take months, if not years, to fully become used to walking on/using a new prosthetic limb. I implore you to make a mockery of this fact and have a patient be able to walk/use their new prosthetics in one day. Who’s bitching now, PETA!?!
  8. Unnecessary foreshadowing is required: Again, just like the pointless plot points, we want to lead our audience down a dead-end path. Remember those prosthetic limbs we mentioned earlier? Good. Make mention that the (now-robotic) prosthetic limb will run out of battery if you don’t recharge it over night. The audience will wonder why you ever made that point when it doesn’t affect the outcome of the film. That’ll get them talking for sure.
  9. Good thing Mulder and Scully aren’t real: It’s a well-known fact that any good serial killer/torture suspect will have the FBI hot on their trail. That being the case, we need to evolve the story somewhat, to ensure the fuzz has no clue what’s going on. Maybe a story about multiple personality... nah, too easy. How about stigmatic twins! If only the FBI knew about Ask.com (not Google, it’s not smart enough), they could’ve typed in “bleeding wounds unexplained” and came up with the twist ending, when really this is what you get as search results.
  10. At least one character must be psychic: Since the FBI is all out of ideas on what the hell is going on, there needs to be at least one person who is psychic. That way when said character is showing off their writing skills, they can name their identical twin sister, whom they’ve never ever ever ever met, by name. And maybe they can be stigmatic twins, too!
  11. One word – Owls: Need I say more? Well, I suppose I could explain why you need owls. NOT! Just put them in the film. No questions asked.
  12. When in doubt, throw in the F-bomb: Always play to your audience. Teenagers say the word “fuck” all the time these days. Insert the word, even if it seems forced and unnatural, about 23 times. You can’t buy that kind of street cred.
  13. The audience must laugh at the film: Inevitably, there will be those who will actually be excited and pay money to see your film. The goal is to berate them the entire length of the film with crap in hopes that, in the end, they’re laughing at how ludicris it is. Someone dying with an O face is a good way of making sure that happens.
  14. Make sure your star is psycho in real life: When you know that your movie isn’t that great, but you still need to inject some buzz about the film, the easiest thing to do is find a star who’s a little nutty. Once that star is cast and the crap-film is in the can, you might notice that NO ONE wants to give interviews because they know it’s bad. No problem, just have said star go haywire the week before it opens. Instant success.

This is in no way a complete list on what you should do for box-office success, but it’ll get you started. Other things you may want to consider:

That about wraps it up. Yup, it very well could be the worst movie so far this year. Please don’t go see it. We need to stop Hollywood from making these pieces of crap. At least we got a nice new nickname for Lindsay out of it – Lindsay No-hand.

Posted by Seth at 04:28 PM | Comments (2)