“We see bad movies so that we can truly appreciate the good ones.”
As soon as the latest Fantastic Four movie came out, the Bad Movie Night crew was excited. You see, when the first movie in a series comes out to a rockin' 24% on RottenTomatoes.com, you KNOW the sequel is going to be something to write home about. What's odd, though, is that “Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer” actually out-performed the original in the crtics' realm by scoring a 37%.
A 37% doesn't make it a good movie, though.
As we were preparing ourselves at Harry's Country Club, we decided to ask Scoot what he knew about the movie. He said he didn't even know what movie we were watching, “it was either something about the Fantastic Heroes or the Silver Slipper.”
Not even close, Scoot. We then asked for him to name the heroes in the movie.
“Let's see... there's the Orange Hulk Made of Rocks (The Thing). Uhhh, Invisible Chick (The Invisible Girl). Something like a Rubber Man (Mr. Fantastic). The Dude Who Shoots Electricity from his Fingertips (Dr. Doom, a bad guy). And isn't there some guy that blows ice? No? Oh, there's a Fireman (The Human Torch).”
We should've just let Scoot tell us what he thought the movie should be. It was already more entertaining.
Away we went to the movie, Scoot-less, mind you, and soon enough we were whisked away into the Marvel Universe. Or, rather I should say a portion of the Marvel Universe that doesn't match up with the X-Men at all. In the Fantastic Four world, the heroes are super stars, constantly headlining the gossip columns and television shows. In the X-Men world, the heroes are freaks and normal people want them dead. Sure, a big orange rock guy is so much more idol-worthy than a gorgeous red head.
But not only are the Fantastic Heroes superstars, they're also sponsored... by Dodge, Dell and a whole assortment of other corporations just looking to hop on the next big thing. Dodge was even bold enough to put a hemi inside the new Fantastic Heroes hover car that Rubber Man made – yes, they made sure to point that out in the movie.
The lone bright spot of the film was the Silver Slipper. He was so cool, in fact, that there's already talk of a movie JUST for him. Because we need more comic movies. Right?
One of the main plot points (SPOILER WARNING) was how Fireman's molecular structure gets jacked up when he makes contact with the Silver Slipper. After the encounter, whoever Fireman touches, he trades power with them. Trades power. Switches. He can't fly or be on fire until he touches the other person again. Well, the trading notion goes away when he has to take all of the Fantastic Heroes' powers to beat up Fingertip Electricity Dude. It's just a minor continuity error, but whatever. It makes for good story-telling.
Another thing that was prevalent in the film was the writer's utter desire to make us hate the villains by f'ing with some of Earth's more historic landmarks. The Silver Slipper caused the Sphinx had two inches of snow covering it and caused the London Eye to nearly fall into the river. Fingertip Electricity Dude tried to destroy the Great Wall of China (but he's an asshole). And last, but not least, this giant space tornado thing totally messed up Saturn's rings en route to eating our planet! Dick!
Woe is us! Thank God for the Fantastic Heroes. I hope they make another PG film, aimed at kids, with tons of horrible one-liners and Jessica Alba looking un-hot with her fake blue eyes, fake blond hair and one-inch deep make-up. If only!
+ original post date: June 28, 2007 07:15 AM
+ categories: Bad Movie Night