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September 26, 2008
BMN: Mirrors
“We see bad movies so that we can truly appreciate the good ones.”
– Someone who (obviously) thinks we’re doing ourselves a service.
If there's one question that I ask myself over and over, it's this, "where did Kiefer, and his oddly shaped connected earlobes go wrong?" One possible explanation is that things went severely downhill after season two of 24 (more on that at Why 24 Sucks, if you're interested). But in looking at his RottenTomatoes profile, it looks like Kiefer hasn't done a "Fresh" movie since "Phone Booth," or, if you're counting, since narrating "NASCAR: The Imax Experience." The latest stinker that we've had to see Mr. Sutherland in is yet another Asian horror film remake – this time to a movie called, "Geoul sokeuro." I can only imagine that the original is decent enough to remake. I'm not at all shocked that "Mirrors" could only muster a 15% on RT.
The misleading thing about the film is its production value. I thought "Mirrors" was shot well and even had quite a few good shock tactics to boot. And the premise of the story is a pretty good one:
An ex-cop and his family are the target of an evil force that is using mirrors as a gateway into their home.
Sounds pretty creepy, eh? Well, after watching it and coming up with a handful of questions/statements, it's easy to see why this film sucked (spoilers ahead, as if you might see it after reading this review):
So the movie primarily takes place in an old burned down department store. The fire was so bad that 40+ people died and many more were severely burned. Biiiiiiiig fire. Big enough to burn all the clothes in the building. Big enough to destroy register counters. Yet... NOT big enough to burn mannequins OR to burn curtains in changing rooms that people are burning to death in.
This same burned down department store was said to have no power – as evidenced by the need of all security guards that go in there having flash lights (and doing that cool trick of shinning the light into the lens of the camera). That quickly gives you a nice dark and creepy setting. Eventually, Kiefer makes his way down into the basement of the building, where, lo and behold, there's running water AND electricity. Strange!
Eventually we're shown how the mirrors kill people (yes, I said how the mirrors kill people). While looking into the mirror, you see a reflection of yourself (duh). But then, the reflection does something bad to you, and YOU DIE IN REAL LIFE!!! That's kinda the freaky part.
It becomes stupid when the mirrors are really wanting to find someone – Esseker. Kiefer, who is an ex-cop, receives a package in the mail from the previous security guard that dies in the film's opening scene. Don't mind he fact that we NEVER find out how a dead guy sends someone he doesn't know a package, no, the part you need to understand is that this mirror's killing spree has been going on for years.
Apparently, it all leads back to Esseker. So Kiefer uses his cop friends to search for Esseker. Surprise, no one can find this person. Which might lead you to believe that the mirror wrote the name backwards! Quick, do a search for Rekesse! WRONG! All you had to do was find out that the department store USED to be an old mental ward and do a different kind of people search, you know, for those that were in hospitals...???
Bingo, that worked. Shoosh. We find out that Esseker (a girl named Anna) was a patient at the mental ward and she was a paranoid schizophrenia with multiple personality disorder. The doctor thought the best cure was to put her in a room full of mirrors for days at a time.
Then, somehow, the devil left her body and went into the mirrors.
Oh, sorry. I forgot to tell you that something weird happened, Anna escaped after being thought dead. Kiefer tracked her to the Convent where she took solace so many years prior. As you might expect, Anna was very reluctant to go with Kiefer, but after he yelled a few times and waved a gun, she obliged.
They got back to the department store/hospital and went down to the mirrored room. Anna then explained that "the mirrors want me back so that the devil can take physical form again." Ah, that makes a LOT of sense, but begs the question, "why did the devil leave in the first place?" Anna also told us that the only way to defeat him is to kill her once he's in her body. She's a wise sage, that Anna.
So Anna sits in the chair, stares into the mirrors and BAM, the devil is back inside. She and Kiefer fight and somehow the supposedly non-functioning gas pipes explode and fire rages out of control. Luckily, the sprinkler system kicks in and prevents the building from exploding/burning down again.
BUT WAIT!!!! Why didn't the sprinkler system work in the last fire? Don't worry about it. Kiefer saved the day. And such a fine fitting to the end of a shitty movie. The sad thing is that there was so many other things I skirted over as to why this movie sucked. Ah well. I'll just keep on contributing to the demise of Hollywood.
Posted by Seth at 09:51 AM | Comments (8)
September 25, 2008
BMN: Disaster Movie
“We see bad movies so that we can truly appreciate the good ones.”
– Someone who (obviously) thinks we’re doing ourselves a service.
It's official – Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer need to be stopped. The parody movie has a time and a place, but these two guys are making a mockery of themselves. As you can see, their highest rated film is "Scary Movie" at 52% (that's not even considered fresh). And now they treat us fans to a 0% film, "Disaster Movie." Zero percent? Surely it can't be that bad, can it? Well according to critics and fans alike, yes.
I was honestly amazed at how bad this movie was. Before I went, I was asked to count how many times I genuinely laughed. Four times was the count. Four. And they were legitimately funny things. But only four in 80 minutes isn't a good sign.
What's really sad is that all of these movies they're making are based on pop culture and nothing more. Actually, they're based on recent movies and some pop culture. Which, in my opinion, is the quickest way to become irrelevant in two months.
I agree completely with Steve Daly in his review of another crappy Friedberg/Seltzer film, "Epic Movie," when he mentions that to parody something, you can't just mimick it. What's the fun in that?
It's sad, when you're either too dumb as writers, or catering way too much to your dumb audiences, that when you "parody" the movie "10,000 B.C.," you say that it's 10,001 B.C. ... which is really a prequel and not a sequel.
But who cares, right? When we can make films for $25 Million and they haul in a quick $12 Million in two weekends, I guess Hollywood isn't complaining.
Sigh. I'm waiting for someone to truly wow me with another "Blazing Saddles" or "Airplane." Who will save us?
Posted by Seth at 08:30 AM | Comments (0)
September 24, 2008
You Want Me to Jump?
As the phenomenon of RSS becomes more popular and widely used in the internet society, we're beginning to see more and more evolution as to how articles are displayed. Marketers haven't fully figured out how to monetize the medium, yet. Some try inserting ads into the RSS feed themselves, while others only display a portion of the article (a teaser, if you will) in hopes that a curious reader will click-through to read the entire article. I find the later to be very annoying and not utilizing the purpose of RSS – and don't get me started on those f'ers that break articles apart into five, or more, pages. That's just not worth it.
Yesterday, while reading one of my favorite political features on CNN (Fact Check), I noticed that in the middle of the damn article you find the text (click thumbnail to see full-size):
Get the facts after the jump!
This might lead some readers to say, "Uhhh, what? I'm jumping? But I think I see the article below, should I keep reading, or do I need to find a link somewhere?"
What's going on here? Easy, CNN is using the same html file to serve their RSS teaser and article. It's fairly common practice, but they should do a little CSS tweaking to help make themselves not look so dumb. A little line of CSS to hide that statement when viewing on the web site would work perfectly. Or maybe they enjoy being dumb.
Posted by Seth at 08:48 AM | Comments (0)
September 23, 2008
No More Company?
UPDATE: After re-reading this entry, I've made it sound like we don't want, or enjoy, company. That's not true. We really love having people stay with us. I was just commenting that the last 2.5 months were crazy busy and how that makes us really appreciate those lazy days when you sometimes feel bad for not getting anything done. Ja know?
When Ashlee and I moved into our house, we knew there were a few friends and family that wanted to come see the place and hang out in Kansas City. That's great for us, because we like entertaining people. And now that we actually have room for people to move around in, we thought we'd just welcome anyone that wanted to venture up here. But after this past weekend, if we don't have any more guests for the next six months, I'll be okay with that.
By my count, we've had guests for eight out of the past 11 weekends. That's a lot of guesting and a lot of fun. Here's who came by the pad (I believe in order of appearance):
- Brenda – A quick stay before she went back to the Peace Corp. After they hung out all day (at the park and other places), Brenda tried to give Ash a henna tattoo. I don't thin that worked out too well.
- Ashlee's mother and Tom – After we finally got them here (mis-directions all around), we cooked out and watched movies. Then they had the opportunity of almost having their car stolen. Awesome. Tom helped me install a GFI outlet in the bathroom (pictures still on the way).
- Todd and Sarah – A little weekend getaway. We made it down to the River Market Antique Mall where Todd found himself a complementary Redskins helmet to go with his Cowboys helmet.
- Kati – Before taking in her new residence in New York City, Kati visited us and the girls were busy. Their main jaunt was to the Nelson-Atkins Museum. During her stay, we put together a sweet wizard-on-a-dragon glow-in-the-dark puzzle.
- Brian and Jenny – An extended weekend getaway included an evening trip to Worlds of Fun, some wings and nachos at the Peanut, a delicious meal at Korma Sutra and a stop at Sidestreet Bar (more on that later).
- Bachelor Party – Ashlee took off to Hutchinson for the weekend of Trip's bachelor party. Me and the boys went to a T-Bones game, Texas Toms, a walking pub crawl of downtown KC, Genghis Kahn, McDonald's and the Peanut for chicken nachos. Not a single bad thing happened, amazingly.
- Jonathan and Lacy – Lacy's bday weekend included some straight up chillin', burgs and beers at the Foundry, a delicious cookout at home, another trip to the Sidestreet Bar (which turns out to be a gay bar, not that it's a bad thing, we just felt really dumb NOT knowing that since there are gay pride signs in the windows) and then Jonathan and Lacy got to see DMac steamroll the Chiefs.
- My mom and aunt – Overcoming the worst odds possible in Vegas, my mother finally made a trip up to KC. We didn't do a whole lot while they were here (mostly ate out and chilled), but I aerated and overseeded my yard (so watch out next year, my yard should rule... riiiiiight).
It'll be nice to have a few weekends back to ourselves. Sadly, that's not really going to happen because soon the month of Smitherson starts in Fayetteville (three weekend trips over five weeks).
Posted by Seth at 07:07 AM | Comments (0)
September 15, 2008
BMN: Babylon A.D.
“We see bad movies so that we can truly appreciate the good ones.”
– Someone who (obviously) thinks we’re doing ourselves a service.
Vin Diesel is cool. Really cool. He's got a deep voice, shaved head and, uhhh, well, yeah. He's cool. So cool, in fact, that he can really only do science fiction and action movies (unless you count "The Pacifier," which earned a LOT more than it should have at the box office). I will admit that I'm a fan of his Riddick character (see "Pitch Black" and "Chronicles of Riddick") and was initially excited when it was announced that he was returning to the sci-fi genre in "Babylon A.D."
That excitement quickly subsided when I saw the kinds of reviews that it was getting on RottenTomatoes. And when it landed around a 5-6% rotten, I knew that it wasn't going to be good.
I thought the movie started off pretty nicely for a sci-fi flick, but that was erased about 20 minutes into the film. A lot of reviews say that this movie is too similar to "Children of Men," but I think that it's too similar to a lot more than just that movie.
Things You Say, "I KNEW I Saw that Somewhere Before," After Seeing "Babylon A.D."
(warning: spoilers ahead, if you care)
- Vin Diesel as an intellectual killing machine with a soft side -- "Pitch Black"
- Vin Diesel doing a backflip on a snowmobile -- "XXX"
- Smaller person overcoming odds and killing a huge beast of a man in a contest where bets are made -- "Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome"
- People doing parkour during a chase scene -- "Casino Royale"
- Transporting of a pregnant girl in post-apocalyptic world -- "Children of Men"
- Horrible summer movie starring Michelle Yeoh (who must trying to supplant Wanda Sykes as harbinger of bad movies) -- "The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emporer"
Okay, enough. You get the idea. Barf.
Posted by Seth at 07:02 AM | Comments (0)
September 14, 2008
And We're Down to One
Waaaaaaaay back in January, I posted my annual list of New Year's Resolutions for all to enjoy (or monitor, if you're Scoot). One of those resolutions was to get rid of my car by the year's end.
I got the VW Jetta way back in April of 2000 on lease. After the lease was up, three years later, I was asked by VW if I wanted to purchase the car. It sounded like a good plan #8211; all of the money I had spent on the lease would be put towards the purchase of the car. So I did it. I got a auto loan from my bank and kept driving the car.
As you can see by looking at the calendar, we're in the second half of 2008 and I'm still making payments on my car. If that's not crazy enough, I'll be making payments on this car until almost half-way through 2009.
Not the best financial move I've ever made.
Once Ashlee and I moved in with each other, we noticed that we drove one car a LOT more than we drove both cars. We work at the same place, so car-pooling was a given. But even beyond that, save for a few outta town trips, there weren't many times when we needed both cars.
Last week, Ashlee's car's lease was up and we decided to turn it in and not replace it.
We now have one car for the two of us. I doubt that I'll get a different car to replace the Jetta in 2008, so I won't be accomplishing one of my resolutions. But I'm fine with that since we'll be saving over $400 a month. We haven't run into a car-scheduling problem, yet. But I'm guessing that this could get interesting before too long. We'll see.
Posted by Seth at 02:34 PM | Comments (0)
September 04, 2008
BMN: Swing Vote
“We see bad movies so that we can truly appreciate the good ones.”
– Someone who (obviously) thinks we’re doing ourselves a service.
If you look at the number of bad movies that are popping up out there, then you'll surely know that the fall movie season is upon us. Our schedule is booked SOLID for the next month, if not two. I haven't really figured out if that's a good thing, or not.
A movie that we saw a few weeks ago couldn't be more perfectly timed for the upcoming election. In what MUST be pure coincidence, the Kevin Costner starer "Swing Vote" talks a lot about elections. I believe it'll be the highest rated bad movie we've seen all year, as it was a few weeks ago -- before the filth started to unearth themselves. Sitting at 40% on RottenTomatoes doesn't necessarily mean "Swing Vote" is a bad movie -- but it did things wrong, enough so that critics didn't think it deserved positive accolades all around.
[Beware: spoilers may be present.]
The big, over-arching, can't miss it, slam you in the face, moral of the story is ... get this ... every vote counts. That's right, every single vote counts. From the President, all the way down to one of the dumbest men in America, all of our votes count. And really, if we don't vote, then the Presidency could be decided by one person.
If there's one thing I learned from the movie, it's that I need to go out and vote. That's it. That's the moral.
Well, I guess that's not ALL I learned from this movie. It was chock full of other morals, like:
- It's not a felony (read: it is a felony) to commit voter fraud if you're going to be the one person that decides the "fate of our country"
- It's not illegal for 10 year olds to drive their drunk father home
- It's okay for Costner to play the exact same role in a movie twice (see "The Upside of Anger," and/or ask Helen Hunt, Jeff Goldblum or Nicolas Cage)
- It's okay to put your real-life band in a movie if you're a producer of said film
- It's not okay to cast Judge Reinhold, Nathan Lane or George Lopez in movies anymore
- It's okay to star in two BMN movies in one month (see Paula Patton)
The potential saving grace of this film comes in when the two presidential candidates started to flip-flop on their issues and ran commercials about their new views. Seriously, it must have been how this movie was thought of – one drunken night at a bar, the writers came up commercials that we'd NEVER see politicians do (they're not on YouTube, sorry). Believe me, they're great.
"Swing Vote" wasn't that horrible of a movie. It did have it's moments, but overall, I agree with RT's assessment of 40%. If you're a Costner fan, enjoy. If not, dodge this one.
Posted by Seth at 07:37 AM | Comments (2)
September 03, 2008
The OKC Thunder!
In JulyToday, it was revealed that the newly relocated Seattle Supersonics team, that landed in Oklahoma City (yes, Oklahoma City), will be called the Thunder. They also revealed the team's logo and colors – Blue and Orange ... and Red ... and Yellow. Yes, four team colors. And don't think for a second that there won't be White home jerseys, because there will be.
To make things even odder, the logo does nothing to support the team name of Thunder. Well, I mean, unless you read the giant word that says "Thunder." But, I guess it's a bit difficult to show what Thunder is, right? Seeing that you don't really SEE thunder, you just hear it.
What about lightning? A search for "thunder" on istockphoto gives you many pictures of lightning – so clearly it's an okay choice. I suppose they can't really go down the lightning route since the Golden State Warriors already use lightning in their entire brand.
The thing that irks me is that the logo design is awfully poor, in my opinion. Here was OKC's chance to show the world that they were legit, that they deserved an NBA franchise. And the best they could come up with is a four-color team brand and a logo with the word "Thunder" that sits over a tortilla shield that the letters OKC were just thrown upon?
Le sigh.
Posted by Seth at 10:36 PM | Comments (4)