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July 23, 2008

BMN: Meet Dave

“We see bad movies so that we can truly appreciate the good ones.”
– Someone who (obviously) thinks we’re doing ourselves a service.

Meet Dave sucked. Big shocker.Ladies and gentlemen... the great Eddie 'Edward' Murphy has returned to Bad Movie Night. And what a triumphant return it is. I think we all used to wonder how this talent had fallen to such lows. But now, amidst reports of him retiring from movies and him selling out to make the crappy ones, it was a guarantee that the Murph would end up here. This summer, Eddie has brought us the gem "Meet Dave." A movie that was practically made JUST for Eddie. And a movie that follows a majority of the Murph's movies in the ratings department. At the time of this writing, RT has "Meet Dave" hovering around a 20%. Ouch.

This was the first movie of the season that was a bit painful to watch. Granted it was a PG film and more suited for families, the jokes were awful, overly stereotypical and extremely forced. What kills me is that Bill Corbitt (of MST3K fame) was one of the writers here -- I'm guessing the movie was supposed to be PG-13 at one point. But then I remember that Brian Robbins directed it, along with the smash hit "Norbit" from last year. Now I understand.

What's nice about "Meet Dave" is that it allowed me to check the following items off of my Things I Hope To See In Bad Movies This Summer:

Thanks for helping me with that list, Eddie, but please stop making these movies. Stop moping when you don't win an Oscar. Stop hooking up with hookers. One day you'll realize that all of these things intertwine.

Posted by Seth at 09:28 AM | Comments (1)

July 22, 2008

BMN: Handjob Hancock

“We see bad movies so that we can truly appreciate the good ones.”
– Someone who (obviously) thinks we’re doing ourselves a service.

Hancock is making a lot of money as a super letdown movie.All aboard for the superhero movie train! Because Iron Man, The Hulk and Batman weren't enough, we needed another superhero thrown into the mix. Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce “Hancock” – the latest hero that's pitched as an anti-hero. The trailers for this movie looked great, the reviews... not so great. You gotta hand it to the marketing team here, they put butts in seats.

The really sad thing about "Hancock" is that it starts out with something really good and then it just unravels. Quickly, at that. It tries desperately to fix itself towards the end, but not even a blessing from the Gods would allow that to happen. "Hancock" follows the story of Hancock, the local superhero that also suffers from alcoholism (or, at least he's drunk most of the time). He usually fights off the bad guys, but the city takes on millions of dollars in collateral damage because of his antics.

Sounds like a sweet ass movie, yeah? Wrong.

There are the small things. Like the fact that Hancock (who is super strong, can fly, and is impermeable to bullets) can get drunk. Or the notion that there are eagles everywhere that Hancock is with NO explanation. But where the film suffers mostly is in the creation story and how it continues to explain itself.

So where is Hancock from? Another planet? No. Did he get his powers in some freak accident? No. Was he just born that way? Actually... no. Get this, he was created by the gods. Yes. He and his girlfriend/wife/ex (Charlize Theron) were created as a pair, by the gods, as an "insurance policy." The only problem is, when they're together, they lose their powers – this is so they can live like humans and love. So when they're around each other, they're more human-like, then someone gets hurt and somehow gets amnesia. Then, fast-forward 80ish years, and they're magically drawn together again and thus the cycle continues. Oh, and they've been doing this for over 3,000 years.

I'm sorry, when did Shama-lame start writing this film? THAT'S your creation story? You were made by the gods? As in Greek gods? As in this film is now an anti-Christianity film? And when the two of you super people get around each other, you lose your powers? But you continue to do this for over 3,000 years? And alcohol affects you?

The film is hovering around 40% on RT. The reason is because this movie had such a great notion and just couldn't follow up on it. I won't say it's a bad movie, in fact it's the best one we've seen all season. So no, it's not bad, it's just a huge letdown. HUGE letdown.

Posted by Seth at 08:52 AM | Comments (2)

July 16, 2008

Getting Birthdays

Attention!!! Today is my birthday!!!

I'm 31. Officially into my 30s now. I've dealt with it. But, while you deal with that, I'll fill you in on some things that have happened in my world as of late:

If you want to laugh hysterically, then hop on over to a bday blog post circa 2004. The comments are what makes this one beautiful. Seriously, I just cried I was laughing so hard. Please, enjoy birthdays of yore.

Posted by Seth at 09:42 AM | Comments (2)

July 10, 2008

Bowling for da Kids

Bowler!If you're an avid reader here, you'll know that I've been using my bowling powers for good in the past several years. Basically, I ask for monetary donations and then I go bowling (and eat free pizza, and drink free beers) for kids' sake – it's all for the Big Brothers Big Sisters of Greater Kansas City. It's a fun time and a good cause.

Well, it's time again to start the pledge drive. The sad part about this year, is that I have one week to get my donations. That's where you, my sweetness and loyal readers, come into play. It's super easy to donate, all you have to do is go check out my radically designed bubble-donation page and make a donation (you should receive tax receipt via email... should). When you make a donation, your name will show up in the Honor Roll box, pretty cool!

I'm attempting to raise $350 this year, so any amount of donation helps. Help me help kids. And their sake. Err, FOR their sake. Please?

Donate Now!!!

Posted by Seth at 09:23 AM | Comments (0)

July 09, 2008

BMN: The Love Guru

“We see bad movies so that we can truly appreciate the good ones.”
– Someone who (obviously) thinks we’re doing ourselves a service.

The Love Guru... sucked.Oh Michael. Miiichael Meyers. Mike, Mike, Mike. *sigh* Seriously? I mean, seriously? You stop doing movies (unless you count voice work) to work on a new character. You say that it takes you several years to fully develop a character for a movie, which is totally understandable. But you take three years off and this is what you give us? "The Love Guru!?!" It's nothing more than a horrible Austin Powers knock-off. Awful. Shameful. Dreadful. And here's the shocker, it's getting pitiful ratings, too.

I'll be the first to admit that upon the initial viewing of Austin Powers, I thought it was a pretty silly movie. Then, upon subsequent viewings, I found myself quoting it non-stop and it eventually became one of my top 25 movies (I don't think I could actually name a top 25, though). But "The Love Guru" will not be up there with AP. There were a few laughs here and there, but for 97% of the time, it was a poor man's Austin Powers and lamely done at that.

It makes me wonder the thought process of how Mike came up with this movie...

Austin Powers Rehash #1: Guru Pitka
I have an idea for a character... how about we dress Austin Powers up in an Indian costume, give him an Indian accent and the same mannerisms? Ooo, but this time lets give him good teeth (because he's not British anymore).

Austin Powers Rehash #2: Verne Troyer
Know what this movie really needs? Something fresh. Something new. How about a midget!?! Even better, let's get Verne back. We could even do the same jokes that we did in the Austin Powers movies, you know, where some guy has a weird complex about midgets? Then we could throw him around some because he's so small. He doesn't have to be a good actor, he's a midget!!!

Austin Powers Rehash #3: Basil Exposition Dick Pants
We could probably use a British character that oversees the Guru's activities. Is Michael York available? No? Hmmm, just grab someone with a British accent. And no, it doesn't matter if he's funny.

Austin Powers Rehash #4: Cameos
I can tell that this movie will be lacking in most areas, so let's pack it full of cameos. I'm thinking tons of A-list stars like Jessica Simpson, Kanye West, ... ... and then maybe we could convince Val Kilmer, Mariska Hargitay and not-Celine Dion to show up, too. WAIT! I'LL make a cameo, too!

Austin Powers Rehash #5: Every Joke Possible
I'm writing this damn thing, so I'll reuse whatever I want. Deal with it.

Want more? Here's what else didn't work:

The one thing that I think could've made this movie was to do it all as if it were made in Bollywood. There's a scene where the film quality is very run down and it's obviously dubbed over, which would have been a nice change for once. But alas, it wasn't to be. This movie sucked and I hope that Mike Meyers is done trying to invent new characters, or at least stick with the ones that work. Or, better yet, let's go back to "So I Married an Axe Murderer," that was good.

Posted by Seth at 09:58 AM | Comments (2)

July 02, 2008

BMN: The Happening

“We see bad movies so that we can truly appreciate the good ones.”
– Someone who (obviously) thinks we’re doing a service.

thehappening.jpgThree words: Em. Night. Shama-lame. That's right, Shyamalan finally gave audiences a follow up to his last amazing film (which was received "really well" across the board), and this time, like the last, he didn't disappoint.

This year's fare is a movie called "The Green Effect" "The Happening." The premise of the story is at some point in time the wind blows and, out of the blue, people stop what they're doing, repeat the last sentence they said about three times, walk backwards and then kill themselves as if they're robots. Sounds like an interesting concept, until M. Night grabs a hold of it. Which is precisely why "The Happening" is getting rotten reviews.

Shama-Lame Problem #1: You Wrote it for Who?
Uhhh, any movie written for Marky Mark (of Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch) that's NOT a "here's where my career tanked" type of movie, is dumb. But that's precisely what Shyamalan did. And what did that get us? An overly horrible performance by an actor that somehow garnered an Oscar nom last year. Without Marky Mark, we wouldn't have had a science teacher bumbling through life with his precious mood ring, spouting out how to effectively decipher an experiment and deliver such classic lines as, "what? no." and "will someone give me a god-damned answer longer than one word!?!"

Shama-Lame Problem #2: Slow Motion
John Leguizamo is in the movie for, oh, 30 minutes and right before he dies he gets the old school slow motion goodbye. Why? I gave two one no shits about his character and he basically decided to off himself. Big deal. Then, again, we have ol' Marky Mark in slow motion screaming and diving towards a kid as the child gets shot. If only he would've dove in real-time, maybe he would've been shot, too.

Shama-Lame Problem #3: Foreshadowing Plots
If there's one thing that we've learned from M. Night, it's that everything in his movies have a purpose. The scenery, the characters and even the lines that are spoken. But this time, it was just too evident, and stupid. Everyone thinks the killings are terrorist attacks. But one person suspects it's the plants. Therefore, it's the plants. And how do we rationalize this? Because there's some plant that when being eaten by caterpillars, will emit some chemical to lure wasps over and kill the caterpillars. And there's your movie. We're caterpillars. Oh, and plants can talk to each other. And they hate us.

Shama-Lame Problem #4: The Moral of the Story
As if plants killing us wasn't silly enough, what's worse is the moral of the story -- natural occurring events happen all the time and we may never know why they happened. WHAT!?! THAT'S your a-ha moment? Shit happens and sometimes we'll never know why? Dude, you just painted yourself into a corner and then decided to break down the wall behind you. That's not how you tell a story! You can't say, "and then the plants tried to kill us, but we lived, and we'll never know why." You'll make people live in fear for the rest of their lives -- you're a terror-monger!

I understand that there ARE some things that we, as real-life humans, can't explain. But you don't get to do that in the movies, not like this. If you're going off the deep end, go off. If not, give us something to grasp onto. And don't even start to say you're Alfred Hitchcock and that you can leave things hanging., you're a far cry.

The redeeming factors of the movie, if these count:

It still blew.

Posted by Seth at 09:45 AM | Comments (5)

July 01, 2008

The Move and More

U-Haul sucks, and this is proof.This weekend was finally the move into the new place. I say finally because we closed on June 10. It might have taken a while, but now we're the sole possessors of one residence. That's a good feeling.

Homework
Since our close date, we decided to do some work since we had a place to stay. The main project was replacing the sub-floor in the bathroom. And by "replacing the sub-floor," I mean replacing not only the sub-floor, but the toilet, bathtub, sink, vanity, walls, storage cabinet, tile, plumbing etc. From what I understand, this is a very common occurrence in the home ownership world. You go to change one little thing and bam, you're knee deep in a full-blown remodel. Yikes, I don't think I could endure that every time I wanted to change something small.

We've done a LOT of painting, too. I'll make sure to post before/after pics at some point so you can all see where our social life has gone.

The Move
On Saturday, Ashlee and I headed over to U-Haul to get our truck. We showed up right at 9:00, which was the scheduled time of truck pick up. This is how our conversation went with the U-Haul guy...

U-Haul Rep: Hi there, how can I help you today?

Smitherson: Yeah, we're here to pick up a truck. We have a reservation at 9:00.

U-Haul Rep: What's the last name?

Smitherson: Smith. Ashlee.

U-Haul Rep: Okay... *typing* Hmmm. I'm not... Hmmm.

Smitherson: What?

U-Haul Rep: I'm not seeing anything.

Smitherson: Huh?

U-Haul Rep: Oh, here it is. I've got you down for tomorrow at 9:30.

Smitherson: That's not right.

U-Haul Rep: That's what it says here.

Smitherson: That can't be right, I called last week to reschedule it for today at 9:00.

U-Haul Rep: Well, I don't know who made that error.

Smitherson: So do you have any open trucks?

U-Haul Rep: No. It's the last of the month. No one will have any.

Smitherson: Great. Okay, how about tomorrow? Can we just come back?

U-Haul Rep: Hang on. *typing* Unfortunately we wouldn't have a truck for you here.

Smitherson: What?

U-Haul Rep: All our trucks will be out.

Smitherson: So is our reservation supposed to be at another location?

U-Haul Rep: No. I've got you down on our schedule.

Smitherson: But you won't have a truck for us?

U-Haul Rep: No.

Smitherson: So what are we supposed to do?

U-Haul Rep: I'm not sure.

How could that happen? Maybe because U-Haul sucks.

We left after that, partially defeated. If U-Haul, THE PLACE THAT WE MADE A RESERVATION WITH, didn't have a truck for us, who would? That was the question and many of the answers were not good. No one in town had a truck on hand for us. Luckily, about an hour later, Budget Truck Rental called us back and got us a truck.

While we were calling around for another truck, we called another city's U-Haul. While looking up the number for U-Haul, we came across a banner (see above thumbnail) on Uhaul.com. Ashlee pretty much salivated at the prospect of sticking it to U-Haul (remember, she's good with this stuff). After a phone call with the district manager (that was able to complete Ash's sentences since they've heard the story many times before) yesterday, our $50 is on its way.

So, we ended up getting everything moved. Shoosh. We no longer have the loft -- turned in the keys yesterday. The house is ours, along with an unfinished bathroom and two cats -- one of which is trying to find every nook and cranny in our place to hide. Seriously, BEHIND the oven? And I though Scoot's dog wanted to commit suicide.

Posted by Seth at 03:58 PM | Comments (5)