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August 20, 2006
Parade Magazine is Tacky
As I’ve noted in the past, I enjoy reading the Sunday paper. The most I look at the paper during the week is over lunch, and that’s because me and my lunchmates work the crossword puzzle, wordy gurdy, jumble and cryptoquip. Sundays? I glance over nearly every page and then continue on to the comics, coupons, etc.
Today, as I was starting on number 7 from my list, Parade Magazine, I nearly chocked on my Mint Chocolate Chip Pop-Tart. The thing I enjoy the most in Parade is the Personality Parade. For those of you who don’t know what that is, it’s (usually) the first page of the magazine that prints “letters” from “readers” asking about their favorite stars and theur current whereabouts.
Translation: The celebs listed in these “letters” have a new project to promote, so let’s get their names in the media as much as we can.
Well, I thought today’s Personality Parade (will be updated on Tuesday to have the full text) had a giant slap in the face:
For those who can’t read blurry text from a digital photo, this is what it says:
Question: As a big fan of Westerns, I’m curious: Which actors were the best riders?
—Connie Dillon, Wichita, Kan.
Answer: “I’d rate Robert Duvall, John Wayne and Slim Pickens as among the best,” says T.J. Bews, who provided horses for Brokeback Mountain. “Heath Ledger was excellent. Jake Gyllenhaal was a novice but came along pretty well. And I worked with Christopher Reeve in 1993. He was a very good rider.”
Yes, this is the same Christopher Reeve that became a quadriplegic due to being thrown off a horse.
I don’t know what Parade was saying, but I didn’t find it very tactful. I suppose that Parade wanted to make the point that Reeve WAS a good rider, at one time. Tsk tsk.
Posted by Seth at 10:59 AM | Comments (2)
August 17, 2006
Snakes On My Blog
Make your own Snakes on a Plane trailer!
Posted by Seth at 01:30 PM | Comments (1)
August 16, 2006
BMN: Zoom
Nothing, nil, nix, nada, null, aught, cipher, cypher, goose egg, naught, zero, zilch, zip, relative quantity... relative quantity? Sure, why not! All of those mean are synonyms for one word: zero. And zero was the percentage of the fabulous movie we watched last night. That’s right, “Zoom,” in all of its majestic super-hero wanna-be glory, has been the first ever movie viewed on Bad Movie night to sport a 0%. Granted, at the time of writing this review only 27 critics had submitted their columns...but c’mon.
Who brought us this miraculous film? Why none other than the famous Peter Hewitt. You know, the same guy who brought us such classics as “Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey” and “Garfield.” Are you shuddering yet? Yeah, me too, his films haunt me.
A zero is pretty hard to live up to. I mean, we’ve seen movies that are rated bad, but a zero? That has to mean there isn’t one shred of goodness in the movie. I, too, find that hard to believe. So, I searched and I searched and I found something that WAS good about the movie – it was only 83 minutes long.
Going into what was bad about it is like handling a cheaply manufactured, and loaded, gun inside a pet store. At any second something bad can happen and before you know it there are dead animals everywhere. Yeah, sad isn’t it? But why focus on the bad, that’s no fun. Rather, let’s focus on the good. In fact, I can tell you five good things that this crappy movie will bring about.
Good Thing #1: Only good movies for Tim Allen from here on out!
Yes! The fellas and I agreed that Tim has most definitely completed his contract with the devil – the one where he agreed to make at least five crappy movies (“The Shaggy Dog,” “Christmas with the Kranks,” “Big Trouble,” “Joe Somebody”) in exchange for a popular sitcom and a voice on a Pixar film. This should be it! Or not, “The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause” comes out this November. Oh well, we can hope for more films like “Galaxy Quest,” can’t we?
Good Thing #2: We won’t see any more kids super-hero school movies!
It sucks being second to market. It sucks more being second to market behind a kid super-hero movie that got great reviews. “Sky High” gave Zoom no shot when it cruised into theaters and scored a 70% on RT. Oddly enough, this was a Disney flick, so why wasn’t Allen involved? Who knows, but since Sky High was supposedly kick ass, then whatever movie clone comes out next will have to seriously up the ante.
Good Thing #3: Plagiarism in Hollywood will be discourage, again!
Let’s look at the powers that the kids had: one could turn invisible, one was really strong, one could move objects with her mind and one could alter his body mass. If you’re a fan, or saw the movies, of X-Men and Fantastic Four, then you’re nodding your head. Why can’t we come up with some original powers for these kids to have? And since when did blowing a rainbow-colored and sparkly wind become a super power?
Good Thing #4: Continuity in Hollywood will become important, again!
So the kid who was chubby and could become chubbier (great power, by the way) was a minor plot point. Well, not him, but the clothes he wore. You see, when your belly expands to ten times its normal size, your clothes will probably rip. Naturally he needed a suit specific for him, so it would expand and contract like his body. Interestingly enough, all of the clothes he had before and after attending the academy never burst or split open. Swim trunks, soccer cleats, gloves, everything he had would return to normal size. That’s good writing.
Good Thing #5: No movie will ever be a 0% again!
This movie is an example for all others to follow and shows you how NOT to make a movie.
Bah! This’ll never work. Hollywood is way too greedy to not learn from their mistakes.
Posted by Seth at 05:54 PM | Comments (0)
August 14, 2006
Zomblasphamy (A solo, self-proclaimed, BMN)
It’s a plain and simple fact – I love zombie movies. If there’s one genre above all others that I can enjoy time and time again (aside from Super Troopers – which... isn’t a genre), it’s the damn zombie genre.
I suppose it’s the idea of an entire group of people, or an entire population, being infected by this zombie virus. Then you have the un-infected, “I will survive,” humans who are constantly on the run from the un-dead. Some times these humans are escaping the latest outbreak, other times they’re attempting to re-build society by containing the virus. In any case, something goes wrong and soon zombies are everywhere.
Being as it is that I’m a frequent viewer of bad movies, I feel that I have a good sense of what is good and what isn’t (you see, that’s the goal of BMN... to see so many bad movies that you enhance your crap-movie senses, allowing you to truly enjoy a good film and all of the hard work that goes into making it). And being that I’m a big fan of zombie movies (see reason #9), I think that I can easily say what is, or isn’t, a decent zombie movie.
The zombie movie genre, at it’s root, is about survival (David vs. Goliath, few vs. many, Where there’s a will... kind of stuff). It’s not about creating a franchise of zombie characters. A zombie, is a zombie, is a zombie. Once they’re infected, they’re all the same.
And the one thing that all zombies have in common, the ONE thing that keeps them motivated above all else, is feasting on the living’s flesh and blood. Zombies can’t think. Zombies can’t reason. The need to feed is ingrained in their DNA and as long as their body can respond to movement, then they will try to eat the living. There’s no idea of higher importance, no notions of world domination (they’re not trying to create a zombie army)... They, like the humans they’re chasing, are trying to survive.
Director George A. Romero revolutionized the American horror movie genre with his ground breaking 1968 film, “Night of the Living Dead.” Following the success of NotLD, Romero went on to direct many other films in the 70’s and 80’s. However, none of his other films ever matched the greatness of NotLD, until 1978’s “Dawn of the Dead.” The story of Romero’s directing basically repeats itself, and he had one last real hurrah with the zombie genre in 1985 when he made “Day of the Dead.”
Romero basically wrote the book about the zombie movie genre. In fact, his experience with zombie films have led some people to proclaim him as “the godfather of zombie horror.”
So what happens when the godfather comes back to direct one more zombie flick? Rotten Tomatoes loves it and I loathe it.
When I heard this movie was coming out, I was ecstatic. Right off the heels of the recent zombie movie successes, I was excited to see what Romero could bring back to the genre. In “Resident Evil,” we see an evil corporation actually create the deadly virus (and fail to contain). In “28 Days Later,” we learn that these zombies are very animal-like (they run) and aren’t the sluggishly moving creatures we once thought them to be. And the “Dawn of the Dead” remake, well, that was just awesome to see in a modern day setting (oh, and there was the zombie baby, too).
What could Romero possibly do to push the genre? Do humans find a way to reverse the virus? Do we finally create a vaccination and the zombies mutate? Do the zombies start to die off because people finally learn how to effectively kill them (shot to the head or sever the spinal chord) and live without fear?
No, none of that. Romero decides that since he helped create this genre, he can do whatever he wants. And by “whatever he wants,” I mean re-write years of plot essentials. With “Land of the Dead,” Romero lays the gauntlet down with these six new characteristics of zombies:
- Keep On Keepin’ On – From now on, once a human becomes infected and turns into a zombie, they will continue doing what they did before. If they were a gas station attendant, they’ll still try to fill automobiles with gas. If they played and instrument, they would still play it (although, very poorly). If they were a butcher, they’d carry around a meat cleaver.
- ADD Effects Everyone – If you’re being chased by a pack of flesh-craving zombies, don’t get too worried. All you need is a pack of fireworks and a lighter. Simply shoot off the fireworks and the zombie will be distracted.
- Ill Communication – Oh, what’s this? Zombies can communicate now! I’m not sure if it was the loud moaning or if it were more of the non-verbal type, but they talk.
- Take Me To Your Leader – Yup, you guessed it, there’s a zombie leader... telling other zombies what to do and where to go.
- Learning Curves Are Back – These new-age zombies can learn and reason!?! Yeah! Drop that meat cleaver, Mr. Butcher Zombie, pick up this gun and shoot it at people. Can’t get into a building, use an object to break in with.
- Revenge of the Zombies – Now that we can reason and figure out problems, then let’s take revenge on people who run away from us. That’s something I’d never want to run into... a zombie with revenge on the mind!
Um... no. That’s bullshit. Zombies want one thing, to feed. They don’t get distracted. They don’t use weapons. They don’t talk. They don’t enact revenge on people. And they sure as hell don’t learn. They eat. Everyone knows that. There’s even been a book on how to survive zombie attacks, and it’ll back me up.
Romero apparently took a page out of Lucas’ book and really let me down with this one. He’s really good at making things gorey, but that doesn’t make a movie great. Thank goodness he doesn’t own the rights to everything zombie.
Posted by Seth at 05:55 PM | Comments (0)
August 13, 2006
All Hail Leviathan
“Lo let the night be solitary, let no joyful cry be heard in it. Let them curse it who curse the day who are ready to awake the Leviathan.”
– Job 3:8
Two days ago, late-evening Friday, a fierce creature entered my abode. It was a whale-like sea monster and it told me stories of how it could sink ships by swimming around it so quickly that it created whirlpools. It said it could rise out of the water and swallow the sun and that modern media would consider it a crocodile from the Nile.
This beast did not scare me. It could not sense any fear in me what so ever. In fact, it was this beast that was playing the part of the weaker species as it spent the first day hiding underneath my bed, without the comfort of water – its natural habitat.
On the second day, this creature, this Leviathan, would come out and wander slither into the living room, occasionally feasting on dry foods, rinsing its palette with water and using the facilities. Still having much fear for me – the mighty sea hunter (one that would put Captain Ahab to shame), the creature would retire back to the under dwellings of my bed... hoping to strike me during the hours of sleep.
Today, the creature runs around, unscathed by my domain. It eats when ready. It sleeps when it so desires. It comes to me for affection when it remembers her days as a young monster.
This afternoon, I captured the creature with my own hands and have taken a photo of it. I present to you Leviathan (or Levi, for short):
As if Simon needed another reason to hate me...
Posted by Seth at 08:17 PM | Comments (8)
August 09, 2006
BMN: Lady in the Water
Oh how the mighty have fallen, and fallen hard, at that. M. Night Shyamalan was, at one time, one of the hottest up and coming directors in show biz. After “The Sixth Sense,” it appeared that he was destined for stardom. Then came “Unbreakable,” which left fans thinking that maybe he was a one-hit wonder. But he bounced back big time with “Signs,” or, rather, 95% of the movie was good (that ending STILL bugs me). In his last film, “The Village,” audiences were unsure what to think, and critics gave it Shyamalan’s worst Rotten Tomato score to date. That was true until “Lady in the Water” came out.
I was a Shyamalan fan until the ending of Signs. The Village, while mildly suspenseful, wasn’t ground breaking because we’ve been conditioned to wait for Shyamalan’s twist – there’s always a twist – and the twist was easy to predict.
The only thing twisting now is M. Night’s scores on RottenTomatoes.com. After blasting an 83% with The Sixth Sense, Shyamalan has crashed down to the depths with a 22% for Lady in the Water.
Was it a 22%? Oh my, was it, and then some. Below are the things that made this M. Night Shyamalan movie one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen... [WARNING: The rest of this review will contain spoilers, you’ve been warned.]
Is The Cove (where the story took place) a hotel or an apartment building?
As if Shyamalan planned it himself, no one who lives there knows, nor do they care. My guess, since NO ONE went to work (except for the movie critic – more on him in a second), is that it was a hotel. That doesn’t matter, though, just ignore the fact that most everyone who lived/stayed there was always there.
Everyone who lives at The Cove is quirky.
You’ve got the stoners, the cat lady, the Asian-American girl with the mom who speaks no English, the hispanic family that speaks no English, the middle eastern family (only weird because M. Night was a prominent character), the crossword puzzle guy and odd son, the guy who only lifts weight with one arm and the stuttering landlord. Because that’s how it is in real life at apartmentotels... I ALWAYS notice those people.
Stop beating us over the head!
I think within the first 15 minutes of the movie we learn the moral of the story – everyone has a purpose. Okay, that’s fine to do... but you don’t have to tell us over and over and over and over and over and over an... sorry.
We saw that already in Scream.
The character who worked as a movie critic was lame. Shyamalan was totally “stringing us along” and leading us in a way we thought was right. You see, since everyone has a purpose in the story, we had to figure out who the pieces to the puzzle were. So the movie critic was helping us identify who each person was in the puzzle. Boy was he wrong and boy was I fooled (psyche). The critic even had a scene where he was talking about how in this part of the movie, I’ll do this and then this will happen. So clever.
Fairy Tales are real!
Or at least everyone at the apartmentotel willingly believes in them, with no qualms. But I believe that, because if someone came to me and said that there’s this water nymph that needs protection from a grass wolf before getting picked up by a giant eagle, I’d be game. Even when the water nymph is laying there, practically dead, I wouldn’t question if the fairy tale were real and take her straight to the hospital... no way, I’d debate God’s purpose for all of us involved.
The twist... oooooo, the twist!
Sit down, because if you haven’t seen this movie, this will blow your mind. The twist in Lady in the Water is that there is no twist!!! Genius! Well, wait... could the twist be that we thought we knew who each person should’ve been in the puzzle, but didn’t? No, that’s stupid. Oo, oo, oo! I know what it is... it was the three giant stick monkeys that came and saved the day at the end! Genius. Good job Shyamalan.
People, this movie was bad and so un-believable. Not that his other films weren’t, but this one was a bit too preachy and over the top. Sadly enough, this movie has garnered such rotten reviews that Shyamalan is thinking that he won’t add his name to the credits of his next project – “The Life of Pi.” That’ll teach us to critique!
Posted by Seth at 09:58 AM | Comments (2)
August 08, 2006
Please Return Here Where Ever
For as long as I can remember, I’ve been fascinated with shopping carts. As a child I would ride inside of them while my mother shopped at the grocery store. When I was big enough (translated: even today), I would run with them as fast as I could and jump on the back – usually popping a wheelie. There was even a time when me and some old high school buddies would hold onto shopping carts while hanging out of our cars... but we won’t get into that.
Shopping carts fascinate me.
I love utilizing the various storage places a cart has to offer (storage spaces vary depending on which store you’re at). Some have a spot to place a gallon of milk next to your feet. Some have cup holders, just in case you’d like to crack open a brew. Some have a bread rack, so your loaves don’t get smushed.
Some carts have a good place to put your shopping list, most don’t. Some carts have a damn calculator built in, so you can tally things as you go. Some carts even have seat belts for the children you place in them – so just in case the cart tips over, the kid will stay in place... with the cart on top of them.
I hate getting the carts with the squeaky wheel, or the wheel that won’t turn. I hate getting the cart that I can’t just push and let go of because it’ll instantly swerve into the shelves. I hate rolling through the dry bean aisle and ramming into the cart when I’ve rolled over a tiny bean that the cart wheels can’t seem to climb or crush.
But there’s one thing, above all, that angers me about shopping carts – the lazy bastards driving them:
Was this person just getting back at the store for taking so many parking spaces away? Couldn’t be, I count close to nine empty spots. Could it be that whoever had this cart simply couldn’t find a cart corral to dump their cart at? Not possible, there are nine cart corrals in this photo – one that is about 10 feet away. Or maybe this person didn’t want anyone parking in this spot... or perhaps they hoped some wind might come along and propel said cart into someone’s vehicle.
Or they’re just lazy.
This is the worst thing about shopping carts. Hands down.
Posted by Seth at 11:27 AM | Comments (2)
August 06, 2006
2006 Fall TV Pr3v13w
It’s only August 6th and already we’re barreling down to our first premiere of the season – Prison Break returns on Monday, August 21. I figure since the upcoming fall season is on my mind now, why not give my review of the new and upcoming shows?
It looks like CBS and NBC finally gave up on adding more CSIs and Law & Orders, finally. But this year it appears chic to have a number in your title – Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, 30 Rock, 6°, The Nin9 – or maybe a one-word title – Jericho, Shark, Smith. Oh, those silly TV production companies.
What’s the skinny on the new shows...
Brothers & Sisters – ABC, Sundays at 10 Eastern
I know more than a few people who will be excited about the return of Calista Flockhart, but will she be enough to keep this Arrested Development rip off? I think it will stick around longer than most other new shows will, especially since it’s getting a lead-in from Housewives and it’s taking Grey’s place.
The Knights of Prosperity – ABC, Tuesdays at 9 Eastern
“From the creators of Ed...” almost got me interested. But since this is the first I’ve heard about this show, I won’t even watch once. Nor will many others.
Help Me Help You – ABC, Tuesdays at 9:30 Eastern
Another Ted Danson sitcom? I thought he was still on CBS? Alright... well the idea of the show – group therapy with a pretty crazy doctor – sounds pretty funny. My fear is that it’s too gimmicky, you can’t just be weird anymore to have a long-standing show.
The Nin9 – ABC, Wednesdays at 10 Eastern
And now begins round two of trying to create the next Lost. Go read the synopsis, seriously... “And they will be forever affected and intertwined because of it.” *sigh* At least it has Chi McBride and is from the Executive Producer of The West Wing. I’d like to see this work out, but my hopes are very cautious.
6° – ABC, Thursdays at 10 Eastern
Round two, part two! The popular Kevin Bacon game becomes a TV show! But wait, it’s from the producers of Lost and Alias, we can’t lose!
Ugly Betty – ABC, Fridays at 8 Eastern
An ugly girl nerd is hired at a fashion magazine and, let me guess, even though she doesn’t fit in, she’ll help make the magazine popular again??? Who cares! Besides, it’s on Friday nights, so no one cares.
Men in Trees – ABC, Fridays at 9 Eastern
The once gay (forever confused) Anne Heche plays a relationship coach and has authored two wildly popular books on the subject. Uh-oh, then HER relationship falls apart... that’s irony. I knew this reeked of Sex in the City after reading the first paragraph (it comes from the head writer of said show), too bad ABC slotted it on a Friday night. Not good news.
The Class – CBS, Mondays at 8 Eastern
This is the only new CBS comedy of the season... so it must be good... right? My instincts (because it’s on CBS) say no, but when I read that it’s coming from David Crane (Emmy®-winning writer-producer from Friends) and Jeffrey Klarik (writer-producer from Mad About You), then my ears perk up a little. Still won’t watch it, though. Sorry CBS.
Smith – CBS, Tuesdays at 10 Eastern
New One-Word CBS Drama #1. Remember Heist from last year on NBC? No? Yeah, no one watched it. This is the same show, with different actors. But this one is produced by John Wells (ER, The West Wing), so maybe there’s a little more punch behind it.
Jericho – CBS, Wednesdays at 8 Eastern
New One-Word CBS Drama #2. Something about an explosion and an isolated town. Blah blah.
Shark – CBS, Thursdays at 10 Eastern
New One-Word CBS Drama #3. This is the Commander in Chief of ’06. James Woods (multiple Oscar® nominee) stars, Brian Grazer (Oscar-winner, A Beautiful Mind, 24) produces and Spike Lee directs the pilot. Is the super powered law firm story line overdone? Probably.
Vanished – Fox, Mondays at 9 Eastern
What happens when you cross CSI, 24 and The DaVinci Code? You get a canceled series. Sometimes too much planning doesn’t make a good show.
Happy Hour – Fox, Thursdays at 8:30 Eastern
Would you be happy going up against NBC’s The Office? Me either. Bye-bye.
‘Til Death – Fox, Thursdays at 8 Eastern
All CBS fans rejoice, Brad Garrett (Everybody Loves Raymond) is back! Non-CBS fans rejoice, they won’t make it in this time-slot!
Standoff – Fox, Tuesdays at 8 Eastern
Let’s take 24 and combine it with Moonlighting. Good. Oh, can we also find another government agency acronym to use? Let’s see, CSI, CTU, NCIS, The X-Files and JAG have all been used... how about CNU? Perfect! This one will be CNCL’d.
Heroes – NBC, Mondays at 9 Eastern
This looks like a very cool show. Sure it’s playing off of the super hero hype, but it’s an interesting look at it. This is the kind of show that other networks should be trying to create and I think it could have a shot since 24 doesn’t come back until January.
Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip – NBC, Mondays at 10 Eastern
Aaron Sorkin, Bradley Whitford and Matthew Perry. Need I say more? Okay, if you want to see the premiere, then head on over to Netflix and request it. This should be gold, people... gold.
Friday Night Lights – NBC, Tuesdays at 8 Eastern
Didn’t this already come out as a movie? Yes. Is there really more to the story than what we’ve already seen? Doubtful. Is it weird that it’s on Tuesday nights? Definitely.
Twenty Good Years – NBC, Wednesdays at 8 Eastern
Awww, look, it’s The Odd Couple with John Lithgow and Jeffrey Tambor. Trailers look funny, maybe the show will be.
30 Rock – NBC, Wednesdays at 8:30 Eastern
If you haven’t heard, Tina Fey quit SNL to concentrate on this show (and her upcoming films). Also joining her will be SNL alums Rachel Dratch, Tracy Morgan and oft-host Alec Baldwin. Yeah, it sounds like a shorter version of Studio 60, but everyone says it isn’t.
Kidnapped – NBC, Wednesdays at 10 Eastern
This show looks to be what Fox wanted to do with Vanished... but couldn’t. It seems similar to Man of Fire and Ransom, but serialized. And it has some great marketing to boot. Not only can you also get this show’s premiere on Netflix, but the dedicated web site could be fun (the kidnapped suspect has a MySpace profile). I bet this is NBC’s answer to Lost and will try to grow the show in that vein.
Posted by Seth at 11:34 AM | Comments (0)
August 03, 2006
USA Basketball is Sexy!
I’m almost speechless... almost. I know I said I wasn’t going to blog for a while, but this was just too ridiculous to let go by. Can someone, preferably someone who works for UNLV, tell me why white lines were painted on top of black lines that adorn a light peach colored court? The results are striking and a bit perverted. This almost made the US - Puerto Rico exhibition game bearable to watch – even with that idiot, Bill Walton, announcing.
Posted by Seth at 11:44 PM | Comments (5)