August16

BMN: Zoom

Nothing, nil, nix, nada, null, aught, cipher, cypher, goose egg, naught, zero, zilch, zip, relative quantity... relative quantity? Sure, why not! All of those mean are synonyms for one word: zero. And zero was the percentage of the fabulous movie we watched last night. That’s right, “Zoom,” in all of its majestic super-hero wanna-be glory, has been the first ever movie viewed on Bad Movie night to sport a 0%. Granted, at the time of writing this review only 27 critics had submitted their columns...but c’mon.

Who brought us this miraculous film? Why none other than the famous Peter Hewitt. You know, the same guy who brought us such classics as “Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey” and “Garfield.” Are you shuddering yet? Yeah, me too, his films haunt me.

A zero is pretty hard to live up to. I mean, we’ve seen movies that are rated bad, but a zero? That has to mean there isn’t one shred of goodness in the movie. I, too, find that hard to believe. So, I searched and I searched and I found something that WAS good about the movie – it was only 83 minutes long.

Going into what was bad about it is like handling a cheaply manufactured, and loaded, gun inside a pet store. At any second something bad can happen and before you know it there are dead animals everywhere. Yeah, sad isn’t it? But why focus on the bad, that’s no fun. Rather, let’s focus on the good. In fact, I can tell you five good things that this crappy movie will bring about.

Good Thing #1: Only good movies for Tim Allen from here on out!
Yes! The fellas and I agreed that Tim has most definitely completed his contract with the devil – the one where he agreed to make at least five crappy movies (“The Shaggy Dog,” “Christmas with the Kranks,” “Big Trouble,” “Joe Somebody”) in exchange for a popular sitcom and a voice on a Pixar film. This should be it! Or not, “The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause” comes out this November. Oh well, we can hope for more films like “Galaxy Quest,” can’t we?

Good Thing #2: We won’t see any more kids super-hero school movies!
It sucks being second to market. It sucks more being second to market behind a kid super-hero movie that got great reviews. “Sky High” gave Zoom no shot when it cruised into theaters and scored a 70% on RT. Oddly enough, this was a Disney flick, so why wasn’t Allen involved? Who knows, but since Sky High was supposedly kick ass, then whatever movie clone comes out next will have to seriously up the ante.

Good Thing #3: Plagiarism in Hollywood will be discourage, again!
Let’s look at the powers that the kids had: one could turn invisible, one was really strong, one could move objects with her mind and one could alter his body mass. If you’re a fan, or saw the movies, of X-Men and Fantastic Four, then you’re nodding your head. Why can’t we come up with some original powers for these kids to have? And since when did blowing a rainbow-colored and sparkly wind become a super power?

Good Thing #4: Continuity in Hollywood will become important, again!
So the kid who was chubby and could become chubbier (great power, by the way) was a minor plot point. Well, not him, but the clothes he wore. You see, when your belly expands to ten times its normal size, your clothes will probably rip. Naturally he needed a suit specific for him, so it would expand and contract like his body. Interestingly enough, all of the clothes he had before and after attending the academy never burst or split open. Swim trunks, soccer cleats, gloves, everything he had would return to normal size. That’s good writing.

Good Thing #5: No movie will ever be a 0% again!
This movie is an example for all others to follow and shows you how NOT to make a movie.

Bah! This’ll never work. Hollywood is way too greedy to not learn from their mistakes.

+ original post date: August 16, 2006 05:54 PM
+ categories: Bad Movie Night