June03

BMN: Obsessed

“We see bad movies so that we can truly appreciate the good ones.”
– Someone who (obviously) thinks we’re doing ourselves a service.

Ahh! Bad Movie Night is back! And to kick off the season this year, we started with a gem that ranked in lower than 25%. Usually these types of movies don't come out of the woodworks until August, but this year is an abnormal year (maybe).

This week's movie was all about fatal attractions and stars recent Office guest star Idris Elba, Heroes alum Ali Larter and last, but certainly not the best, Beyoncé Knowles. If you've ever seen Fatal Attraction, then, well, you've seen this movie. Except this one is bad. Like 18% on RottenTomatoes.com bad.

I honestly don't think it was 18% bad, but, it DID prompt me to come home and write an email to my lovely girlfriend, Ashlee. I'll share that with you now.

Dear Ashlee,

I've really been thinking about our future and I think I've finally got it mapped out. Peer into the future with me – One of these days we're probably going to get married, have a kid, you'll stay home and I'll go to work as a high-profile portfolio manager somewhere in a huge skyscraper in downtown Los Angeles. (Of course that means we'll have to move to LA, but let's not worry about the details, okay?) Since we met when you were my secretary assistant when we first met (again, honey, don't sweat the details) and then we got married, we made a promise that I'd never take another female assistant again. It's this point that one day might cause a problem in our relationship.

Because, sometimes, no matter how high-profile I am, I DON'T get to call the shots on who comes into our firm as a temp. And honey, you know me, I'm a nice guy. So when I talk to someone new, I'm not hitting on them. Seriously. I would never hit on another woman. You're my wife and I act like a complete wuss around my co-workers because of it.

Maybe one day you'll call me to talk during work hours and she'll take a message. Nice girl. Except that she messes up your name. Hey, accidents happen. I know, I know, she's a new female temp, but I assure you, she's pretty plain. But I bet you won't think so if you ever saw her. In fact, you'd probably be a little mean to her. But it's whatever, I love you because of who you are.

So what happens if one day I walk into the lunch room and this new temp girl is crying? Of course I'm not going to ignore her. That's rude. What I'll probably do is be Mr. Nice Guy and see if she's okay. Well, honey, it turns out she's having boy problems and her self-esteem is shot. What would you do? I'll tell you what I'd do, I'd be nice and inflate her ego some, I'd tell her that that guy was an idiot and if I were single I'd probably be interested.

Next thing you know, it's Christmas season and our company is having its annual Christmas party – you know, the one where NO spouses are allowed at. Well, I'm gonna bet everyone will be drinking and MAYBE the temp will follow me into the bathroom and try to seduce me in the stall. But guess what, I tell her "no" and to go away. When I get home, I'm not going to disturb you, I'm just going to ignore it and chalk it up to everyone being drunk.

Good thing I didn't make a fuss out of it, because the next day she apologized to me. Unfortunately, she did it while showing me a really skimpy lingerie outfit. I know, I know. I should've said something. But really, I kicked her out of my car and threatened to report her. But guess what? The next day, when I went in to HR to report her, turns out she had already quit! YES!

A few months later me and the guys are going to go on a retreat before a conference. It's not a big deal. Really. By "retreat" I mean a hotel like 20 minutes away. Which, gets f'ed up because guess who shows up? That's right, the temp. Again, I turn down her advances but I don't notice that she drugs me. The next thing I know, I'm feeling REALLY drunk and can barely stand. As I'm passing out, the damn temp is IN MY ROOM! WTF indeed!

I bet I'll wake up and not remember a thing. But sure as hell the temp is going to interrupt my meeting tomorrow posing as my "wife." Holy crap, she's now telling people that we're married. I threaten to go tell on her again, but chicken out. I go back to my meeting and then that evening, when I get back to my room, the temp is in there AGAIN and is passed out, naked, in my bed with an empty bottle of pills next to her.

Of COURSE I'm going to run her to the hospital. I'm sure you'll freak out since you can't reach me and meet me at the hospital. Here's the kicker, ready for this? There's probably going to be a private investigator there that doesn't believe me that this girl is a freak. What's worse, you won't either. Why? Because I haven't told you any of this. Well, baby, it was a bit silly. And you SHOULD believe me. I'm not a liar. The temp said we slept together. But the doctors never found any of my bodily fluids in her, or couldn't even say that we had sex. BOOYAH!

Okay, fine. Kick me out of my house. I'll just go stay at a ritzy hotel and concentrate on work, where my boss barely believes me, too.

Three months will pass and we'll go out for dinner. While we're out, the temp goes into our house and steals the baby! Then, when we get home, while we're running around, she'll put him in the back seat of my car! I know, I'm freaked out, too. But NOW do you believe me? Good thing, because the detective finally does, too. To help ease our worries, we'll finally get an alarm installed into our $500k house. Then, we'll have the police patrol our house 24/7.

Baby, this is the worst part, one day you're going to leave home and forget to set the alarm. Then you're going go home and the temp will be there wearing an old football jersey of mine. You're going to get into a big fight and almost die. But you'll prevail and kill the temp.

All of this because I'm a nice guy.

I'm sure you can see this all happening, too, right? I mean, it's pretty predictable. When you boil it down, our future is downright scary. Maybe I shouldn't take a job in LA. yeah, it's probably not worth it.

Never mind about all of this. What do you want to get for lunch?

Love, Seth.

So really, the movie wasn't 18% bad. But it wasn't good, either. I actually psyched myself out thinking that there was going to be a twist – which might've made it kinda good, maybe. In the end, no dice. But there WAS a Beyoncé song, so it had that going for it.

+ original post date: June 3, 2009 06:36 PM
+ categories: Bad Movie Night