BMN: Bangkok Dangerous

“We see bad movies so that we can truly appreciate the good ones.”
– Someone who (obviously) thinks we’re doing ourselves a service.

Nicolas Cage stars as Nicolas Cage the hitman in Bangkok DangerousOi vey. Since when did Nicolas Cage start doing bad movies? It looks like around 2000 with "Gone in 60 Seconds." Sure, you're sitting there saying, "but that was a fun movie, Angelina Jolie had dreads!" And then I ask you to kindly shut up and think about it really hard and then tell me if it was a GOOD movie. Surprisingly, you say, "yes, it was a good movie... I like Nic Cage." If you feel like that, then you probably enjoyed his other "good" movies from the past eight years, like, "The Family Man," "The Wicker Man," and "The Weather Man." Wait, what the hell? Does Cage have some clause in his contract that he can only do movies with "man" in the title?

The latest gem that stars Nic Cage is "Bangkok Dangerous," a (wait for it) remake of a Thai film with the same name (it even has the SAME directors from the original film). Bangkok is floating around a 10% on RottenTomatoes.com right now and the crazy thing is even though the movie is poorly reviewed, it ended up as a number 1 movie for it's opening weekend. During that weekend, it made around $8M. That did two things for the film – it almost set a record for lowest weekend gross for a #1 film AND it actually made Lionsgate a profit. Wow. Talk about setting expectations high.

Speaking of expectations, mine were none too high for this Cage-starrer, in fact, I nearly fell asleep towards the end of the film because I really didn't care. Cage gave his typical, "I'm Nicolas Cage and tonight I'll be playing the part of Nicolas Cage," acting routine. Which puts him right up there with other non-acting favorites such as Jeff Goldblum, George Clooney and Helen Hunt. Imagine a movie with all of those regular people actors in it ... they'd make MILLIONS!

But if the film did one thing for the viewers, it taught us all how to be hitmen. And in reality, it's actually not that tough! [SPOILER ALERT]

The Four Rules of Being a Hitman (according to "Bangkok Dangerous")

Rule #1: Don't ask questions
This is ultimate duh rule. You don't ask questions about who you're going to kill! You don't care, or rather, you shouldn't care. Just kill them and get your paycheck. Oh, and remember what their eyes look like – not that you'll be close enough to their eyes to make the hit. I'm just saying... good advice.

Rule #2: There is no right or wrong
You know, this one really isn't a rule, per se. It's more of a statement. I guess we at the Hitman HQ could rename it to "don't think there is a right or wrong answer." Hmmm, that's just confusing the issue. Okay, look, I don't care if your mark is Hitler or Mother Teresa, just take them out. And don't judge us with your judgey eyes, we're not copywriters. We're killers. For hire. (Call us.)

Rule #3: Don't get involved
Don't get involved with no one, no how. For example, and I'm just making this up as I go, don't fall in love with, hmmm, deaf pharmacists that could make you want to be the good guy you really are. Or, how about this one, say you hire a thief to be your errand boy and he ends up doing his best T-Pain song impersonation of "I'm in love with a stripper," then, out of the blue, asks you to teach him how to be a hitman... don't do it. Just don't get involved. Sheesh.

Rule #4: Know when to get out
This isn't just a by-the-facts rule, it's also a metaphor for life. Sure, you need to know when to get out of bad situations, but you also need to know when to fold them... and when to hold them. Well, really, this one is more about when to fold them. It just sounds stupid when you say "know when to fold them," and NOT say that in conjunction with, "know when to hold them." We originally had that as the rule, but with copyright laws and blah blah, well, you get the idea.

So yeah, four rules of being a hitman + Nic Cage acting as Nic Cage + yet another remake of a film = craptastic cinema. I highly recommend NOT seeing this movie, unless you want a good laugh (and that laugh would be Cage's hair).

+ original post date: October 1, 2008 06:58 AM
+ categories: Bad Movie Night


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