BMN: The Benchwarmers

Yeah, unfortunately for me, it’s that time of year again. The bowling ball and shoes have been put away, softball season has started and summer is just around the corner. That means it’s time for Bad Movie Night to start up again. And this year it started with a bang – and by bang, I mean yet again, a waste of $8.

Last night, the crew went and witnessed a very crappy (see Rotten Tomatoes for proof) and confused movie called, “The Benchwarmers.” I say it was confusing because the idea behind the movie was probably something like this...

Allen Covert and Nick Swardson (the writers): “Yo Adam! Have we got a great idea for a movie!”

Adam Sandler (the producer): “Oh yeah? What is it?”

Covert & Swardson: “Okay, imagine taking The Bad News Bears, BASEketball, Napoleon Dynamite and Happy Gilmore, and rolling them all up into one movie!”

Sandler: “Holy shit, that would be hilarious!”

Covert & Swardson: “True. But we’re not talking about taking all of the funny stuff from those films, just the plots.”

Sandler: “Oh...”

Covert & Swardson: “But don’t worry, we’ll get tons of funny guys to be in it and that’ll make great.”

Sandler: “I see, like who?”

Covert & Swardson: “Right, uhhhh, weeeeeell, how about Rob Schneider, David Spade and Jon Heder?”

Sandler: “Eh, not too bad. Who else?”

Covert & Swardson: “Uh, well, we round out the cast with John Lovitz, Tim Meadows, Craig Kilborn, a special appearance by Reggie Jackson, oh, and Nick Swardson.”

Sandler: “Nick who?”

Covert & Swardson: “Nick Swardson, one of the guy’s who co-wrote and starred in Grandma’s Boy.”

Sandler: “...”

Covert & Swardson: “Another movie you produced!?!”

Sandler: “Ooooooooooooh, riiiiiiiiiiight. I never knew his name. Okay, so it sounds like a reunion of washed up SNLers.”

Covert & Swardson: “Right. Plus Jon Heder.”

Sandler: “Nice. Will he act just like he did in Napoleon Dynamite?”

Covert & Swardson: “Hell yeah!”

Sandler: “Score! This’ll make millions.”

Covert & Swardson: “We know!!!”

Sandler: “So what’s the plot.”

Covert & Swardson: “Simple. Nerds who were never good at anything athletic take on modern day teenage jocks and beat them in baseball.”

Sandler: “It sounds a bit complex.”

Covert & Swardson: “Naaaaaaaaaah! We won’t write a huge script, in fact, we’ll just let a lot of the things in the movie be ad-libbed from the actors.”

Sandler: “Oh, I see, like all of the Will Ferrell, Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn movies?”

Covert & Swardson: “Exactly, these guys can do that kind of funny.”

Sandler: “I’m fine with that, as long as whoever is in each scene with them looks like an idiot on camera while they do it.”

Covert & Swardson: “Done and done.”

Sandler: “What about hot chicks?”

Covert & Swardson: “Hmmm. How about three super hot blondes that would never go out with people that looked the guys in the movie?”

Sandler: “I like it, I like it. What else... close the deal boys.”

Covert & Swardson: “Okay, here’s the kicker... one dude is an albino that eats sun block, there’s a midget AND midget jokes, a robot that can insult people and there’s an insane old man that works in a video store (who’ll really be the only funny thing in the movie, but very random).”

Sandler: “Sheesh guys, I dunno, I’m allllllmost there.”

Covert & Swardson: “Ooo! How about titty twisters!”

Sandler: “Could half of the movie show dudes giving titty twisters to themselves?”

Covert & Swardson: “YEEEEEEEEEES!!!!!”



That’s how it went down.




+ original post date: May 17, 2006 09:02 AM
+ categories: Bad Movie Night


(comments rss feed)

Great stuff .. Unfortunately, I'd imagine the making of this wretched little movie went down almost exactly like you described it!

+ author: Keith Demko
+ posted: May 17, 2006 04:46 PM

I know this will lower your opinion of me, but the more I thought about it today, the funnier the movie began to seem. There almost seems to be some genius behind it's utter stupidity.

Or maybe I'm just in denial about its awfulness.

+ author: ScooterJ
+ posted: May 17, 2006 07:56 PM

Maybe the concept, Scoot, but not the actual movie. My opinion lowered? How about I can't look at you anymore.

+ author: Seth
+ posted: May 18, 2006 07:27 AM

There's one part of the pre-production meeting you forgot to mention.

Nick Naylor: People are eating healthier, we need to get them eating more junk food. The message Hollywood needs to send out is 'Eating At Pizza Hut Is Cool!'

Covert & Swardson: Happy Madison has a baseball movie they're looking to make.

Nick Naylor: Junk food and sports?

Covert & Swardson: It's the great American pasttime, Nick.

Nick Naylor: But wouldn't they be too sluggish to run the bases if they're bloated with pizza?

Covert & Swardson: Probably. But it's an easy fix. One change to the plot. 'The guys all just stand around looking at butterflies and picking their noses and win anyway.'

Have you ever seen such product placement in your life? Pizza Hut is a happy fun place where everyone goes to celebrate, it's packed with laughing people yet there is never a line at the buffet, the buffet is well-stocked with perfect-looking pizza, and all the waitresses are HOT. NetZero is a dialup provider that somehow works over a wireless connection and provides full-screen high quality live video exceeding the capabilities of broadband. And everyone drinks only Pepsi products.

+ author: ScooterJ
+ posted: May 18, 2006 01:15 PM

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