I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if today was the 2nd Most Overused Joke Day of the year. Why, I’ve only been two public places this morning (an ATM and a small restaurant) and I’ve already heard the joke twice. It’s not that I don’t like the joke, but it’s just that you encounter it a bazillion-gazillion-fafillion (bonus points if you name where I got that from) times in one day. I say encounter because on any other day you just hear it, today, you experience it. Here’s the sad part... with as much dislike I have for it, I’m probably going end up saying it approximately 17 times throughout the course of the evening. Ugh.
Aside from “the joke,” it’s that time of year to talk about New Year’s Resolutions! That’s right, time to reflect on what you didn’t accomplish in the past year and make a resolution to do better next year. Resolutions can be as simple as waking up 10 minutes earlier or as complex as taking over a corporation. There are no rules to making a resolution. You just make one. No matter how trivial, and you attempt to stick to it. And therein lies the inherent beauty of a New Year’s Resolution, no one really cares what another person’s resolution(s) is(are), nor is anyone going to hold you responsible for them. Basically, it’s just a chance to make you look like you’re in tune with your self, that you’re thought-provoking and that you give a damn. Right?
Well I say rubbish to that. What happened to the days where when someone made a pledge, they stuck to it? What happened to the times where a promise was a solid as oak? What happened to all of our consciouses? My God, we’re losing our souls!!! People, if we’re lying to ourselves, then where does it stop? If you make a resolution and not stick to it, soon enough you’ll be lying to your mailman, your mom and even the nice police officer that pulled you over on New Year’s Eve (don’t drink and drive, by the way).
This has got to stop and the buck (buck = making a resolution and not keeping it, if you weren’t paying attention) stops here. Now. I’m gonna snap my fingers and it’s serious time.
Okay, it’s serious time. Here are my resolutions (in no paricular order ... yes, they’re numbered, but #1 doesn’t carry any more importance than, say, #5, or whatever):
Take the pledge* with me and we’ll make, and subsequently keep, our New Year’s Resolutions. And if you just absolutely can’t keep them, then you’re gonna try your damnedest to get as close to them as you can. Ready?
I, (say your name), do solemnly swear to make and keep my New Year’s Resolution in this year of (insert year). I, (say your name, again) of (say the city that you live in) will do everything (say your race+ly) possible to make my resolution a reality. Even if that means spitting on my (say “mother’s” or “father’s”) face. Even if that means burning down (say your employer’s name) house. Even if that means soiling (say “my”) britches or dissin’ my bitches. I hereby decree that resolution-making will no longer tolerate failures. But in the event that I cannot possibly fulfill my resolution, I, (say your name), will try my damnedest to get as close to the resolution that I can. If not, I suck. The End. I swear. To it.
* This pledge is meant for entertainment purposes and is by no-means a legally binding contract. Take pledge at your own risk. Do not exceed 12 pledges in 24 hours. In case of an emergency, don’t pledge to call 9-1-1, just do it... or make the pledge quickly and then call. No lifeguard on duty.