BMN: No One Film is Perfect

Six percent. Wait. Six percent!?! A movie actually sucks so bad that its rating on Rotten Tomatoes is six percent!?! That has to be a mistake, right? Over 300 movies grace a screen each year and they all have to be somewhat decent… don’t they?

Sadly, the answer is no.

Count it up folks, 96 reviews have been turned in (at the time of writing this) and a total of six reviews were positive. Six good reviews. Six percent. SIX!

I couldn’t believe the hype (and by hype I mean lack of) for this film. So Scoot, Nik and I decided to head down to the local mega-plex to see what all the fuss was about. Next time I think we’ll believe it when 94% of the reviewing populous didn’t like the film. Good Lord.

The premise of “The Perfect Man” is pretty simple:

Single mom with two kids constantly uproots family because she dates losers. Family lands in NY, oldest daughter gets idea to trick mom into believing there’s a perfect man who likes her. Hilarity ensues.

This movie was far from funny, the dialogue was complete trash and the moral of the story was beyond Hollywood – I’m surprised everyone involved with this movie didn’t lose their SAG cards.

For the two love stories that were going on, there were a lot of complex emotions that those involved had to go through. Here’s the kicker, everyone in the movie was super intelligent and could psychoanalyze the crap out of anyone but themselves. That is, unless they were IMing, which seemed to solve everything… I guess it just helps to spell it out, right in front of your face.

The “perfect” guy (Chris Noth) knew everything about women, but had no girlfriend. The mom (Heather Locklear, who still looks damn good), who dates absolute losers, knows a good kid for her daughter when she sees one. And the whiney-ass daughter (Hilary Duff, I so want her to succeed more than Lohan), knows exactly what’s wrong with her mother, but can’t see past her own insecurities.

Bah, I don’t even know where to go from here!

The movie had the token-gay man, Carson Kressley, who does the stereotypical gay jokes.

Then there was Duff’s best friend who disappears in the final third of the movie.

Tons of lame one-liners.

A lousy twist.

And the moral of the story (SPOILER WARNING), if you don’t move away from your problems you’ll win a cake-decorating contest, date the “cool, comic-book artist, but dork because he has no friends” guy, win a spelling bee AND land a date with the “perfect” man.

That’s the “perfect” formula for a movie.

I think we agreed to market some paper bags with eye holes cut out (for vision) that say Bad Movie Night on them. So the next time we wander into a movie like that, no one can see who we are.

+ original post date: June 29, 2005 04:20 PM
+ categories: Bad Movie Night


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Hilary Duff will not succeed more than Lindsay Lohan for good reasons unfortunately. LL sleeps her way around Hollywood, smokes, gets drunk, flashes certain body parts and she is only 18. HD has built a career on goodness and sweetness. She even endorses President Bush enough to be a guest of honor at his 4th of July party. She loses whatever respect I had for her right there. Hollywood, however, loves the bad girl...so get used to LL...even though I despise her also. Maybe to be fair Bad Movie Night should visit Herbie: Fully Loaded and a HD vs. LL battle could begin.

Side note...every one involved with The Perfect Man DID lose their SAG cards, but AFTRA was cool with it.

+ author: stevepanic
+ posted: June 30, 2005 08:01 PM

Alrighty, kids. I think this film should have been titled "The Perfect Turd" because it was shiiiiiiiiit. If I was daring enough to just scan a turd and put it up as my review, I would. But that would just ruin a perfectly good piece of hardware and the trash just isn't worth it.

Heather Locklear as a washed up Mother is believable since she looks like crap (sorry Seth, she's fucking old and it shows) and has this whiney daughter who asks a restaurant owner advice about what women want. Since when does a girl ask a man what another woman wants? Apparently, the writer was a dude cause that's all fantasy. So that about sums up the dialogue.

The comedy ensues when Duff gets an orchid for her Mom and has it left on the front door step while a friend rings the doorbell. Unfortunatly for us, Mom is too busy doing a crossword puzzle and won't answer the door. So Duff has to run down the fire escape to ring the doorbell again, but WAIT! In what only could be described as brilliant and classic Hollywood writing, a dirty old man has taken the flower, forcing Duff to repo it from him. Then back to the door, ring door bell, back upstairs, Mom still oblivious, back down the stairs, repo again and ring doorbell til Mom comes fetch romantic prize. Get all that? I wouldn't have either but I didn't have the luxury of escape. (Tip to Hollywood writer: sub orchid for flaming bag of poo and we might be a bit closer to comedy).

Anyway, as described in Seth's comment, Mom gets man as does daughter with comic book geek. Friend and younger sister go to the Peace Corps or possibly shipped off to Iraq cause they disappear.

Bout it kids, don't bother with this one. I think most left the theater wondering how they were going to find the "perfect" way to get their money back. I just stood outside the theater until someone gave me a down payment on a cheeseburger.

Oh, yeah. If I were going to put my money down between Duff and Lohan, I'd got with Duff, cause she's fatter and has no ass. I'm serious, the girl literally has NO ASS to kick.

+ author: Nikc
+ posted: July 1, 2005 01:04 AM

I don't think this movie was entirely without merit. After all, it taught me some important lessons about life.

Lesson 1: Obviously I chose the wrong career. If only I had known that doing nothing but decorating cakes would pay enough for me to feed and house a family as well as rent U-Haul one-way and break my lease and put a deposit on a new place every two to three months. The wild adventures I could have had had I simply had enough training to know that adding more cornstarch can keep my frosting flowers from wilting.

Lesson 2: Imagine the romances I could have had if I had only known that it was perfectly okay to seduce my own mother. And that there would be no consequences if and when I eventually broke her heart.

Lesson 3: If my own relationship goes sour, it's good to know that my own mother can seduce my significant other for me while I'm sleeping.

Lesson 4: If you are about to get caught in a lie, it's perfectly okay to destroy your friend's uncle's restaurant as a diversion. He might even think it's cute and date your mom.

Lesson 5: If you move a lot, it's helpful to get homes located under prominent water towers so you can always look up and see what city you live in.

Because of these valuable lessons, I have to give Nik's turd 4-1/2 flushes.

+ author: ScooterJ
+ posted: July 1, 2005 01:32 AM

Ummmm... ewwwwwwwwww.

+ author: Seth
+ posted: July 1, 2005 08:24 AM

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