7 X 3 Reasons to NOT See XXX 2

Ah yes, the first night of no bowling in a very long time. Although I missed the non-chance of throwing a 200 tonight, I was too busy witnessing one of the world's worst movies. You see, some of my friends have this thing called Bad Movie Night. The premise is simple, you find the worst rated movie on Rotten Tomatoes and go watch it. Easy, right? Ugh. Tonight's gem was "XXX: State of the Union," starring none other than the oft-heralded action star Ice Cube.

Reasons Why This Movie Sucked

  1. It was a sequel to XXX
  2. It's a horrible James Bond rip-off... title sequence with no naked chicks, quirky gadgets guy and insane stunts
  3. Xzibit runs a chop-shop
  4. Quote recycle, "the things I'm gonna do for my country"
  5. Nerd hacks the DOD in an hour
  6. "We've seen you fight, so we know you can kick some ass... but what else can you do? The first XXX could snowboard, surf..."
  7. Apparently Vin Diesel requires too much money to make a movie of this caliber... as a snub, we learn he's been killed off in the first five minutes of this movie
  8. Hiding from infra-red satellite imagery by microwaving food and putting it in a bath tub
  9. Stunt #1: Jumping from a roof to a helicoptor
  10. Stunt #2: Ramping a out-board motor boat up a 45-degree "ramp" and onto a bridge
  11. Stunt #3 and 3b: Dodging a rocket from a rocket launcher and a missile from a tank, while driving a tank of his own
  12. Stunt #4: Ramping a car onto a train track while going 145+ mph
  13. Stunt #4b: Maintaining speed on train track while tires explode
  14. Stunt #4c: Locking wheels onto train track and driving about 180 mph
  15. Stunt #5: Jumping off speeding train at 180+ mph, free falling 150+ feet and diving head first into a river
  16. "This music is crunk!"
  17. The President quoting Tupac
  18. Cheap over-used plot of wanting to kill someone important, but never just putting a cap in his ass... SHOOT HIM ALREADY!!!

Three Reasons Why This Movie Was Bearable

  1. Getting to hear Samuel L. Jackson say "I told you you should've killed that bitch."
  2. It was 101 minutes long
  3. Instant realization that "Agent Cody Banks" is a bad ass

Thanks Scoot. Thanks Nik. No thanks to you, Ken.

+ original post date: May 17, 2005 10:32 PM
+ categories: Bad Movie Night


(comments rss feed)

Okay, so I have to agree that this is one of the worst films ever made and the fact that half the actors that were actually in this mess, obviously blew a good portion of the budget. However, that doesn't make up for crappy loop holes and weird ass happenings in the world of XXX. So here are my additions to Capt. Gunderson's reasons to "not see this movie". Unless you are a glutton for punishment as we obviously are, go and feel the dominatrix of Hollywood abuse your time and your wallet.

1. The lame assed guitar strumming during the lame assed romantic scenes between X and his long lost love. For a moment I thought I was watching a sixties surf movie, except they weren't on the beach and there were no surf boards. Huh, just realized that was kind of the plot for the first one.

2. Lame disguise and eaves-dropping techniques. So we have this guy that is an ex-Navy SEAL and in order to find out what the bad guys are talking about, he grabs a tray of champagne and stands right next to the dudes to "over hear" what they are saying? Oh, I guess that coupled with the fact he was dressed as a waiter was going to help conceal him and excuse the tray of drinks which was now wandering into the middle of their conversation.

3. Next agent has been in a max. security prison for 9 years and comes out with the knowledge and know-how for all the latest spy technology. I believe my collegue has addressed the instance of throwing microwaved meats into the bath tub to distract the thermal imaging devices used to track him inside a mansion. But it doesn't start there. Earlier, he roams back into headquarters using a high-tech rope device and knows exactly where to go and what a modern day hard-drive looks like and how to remove it. I remember a hard drive from 9 years ago, but I guess X returning with something the size of a suit case would have looked silly.

4. Bad comic relief. After 9 years, X escapes and says "he needs to do what every man needs when getting out of the joint". After a wink and grin, I'm thinking a moment in the strip club with some craziness going down is next up. Wrong! Cut to a diner with X chowing on a burger, fries and a shake. On top of that, he chews on this burger with moans and groans like he just buried his face in the pink taco. Should I expound further?

5. Stars have trouble with english. Okay, maybe I'm crossing a line here considering that I know some of our stars come from diverse backgrounds and a bit of slang here and there is tollerable. It's not like I complain too much when I hear someone from Arkansas portrayed in a film with a drawl. But I have to say that this time it seemed intentional and if not, Cube needs some work on the pronunciation skills. And that's the truef!

6. Scenes with the hero walking through fire and chaos in slow motion need to go. I say this as a fan of movies that invented this action cliché years ago and now I'm just going to say "stop". I thought "Charlies Angels: Full Throttle" was bad (and by no means should those beauties think XXX is going to let them off), but XXX was right up there as far as stupid followed by laughter. I say this because that was my reaction.

7. I fell asleep. I'm not kidding. Coulda been the beers I chugged before I went in, but I'm going to believe it was because sleep sounded better than watching.

Well, there's my seven kiddies. Pardon the bad use of english and sentence structure. I fell asleep in school too.


+ author: Nikci
+ posted: June 25, 2005 08:19 AM

These have all been very good points, but I have a few more things to add.

(1) As Seth alluded to, a key sequence is a chase scene involving a car running on rims, helicopters, and a bullet train. This bullet train apparently runs between Washington,DC and Baltimore, or perhaps another city further up the coast. In any case, at the speed this train travels, no one should ever be on it for more than about an hour. So why, other than to provide poetic justice for an earlier event, does this bullet train have a large, fully-stocked kitchen?

(2) As we all know, a lost Cessna straying within a few miles of DC causes mass evacuations and fighters to be scrambled. So why can a tank battle rage for several minutes a block from the Capitol building during the State of the Union address and no one inside even flinch?

(3) If the new XXX had been a white actor and his cohort that builds the gizmos been black, this movie would be boycotted.

(4) As Seth touched on, numerous people have numerous opportunities to settle everything by simply shooting someone they were going to kill anyway, and they never shoot. Yet these same people blast bystanders away without hesitation.

(5) The means used to enter the compound at the begining of the film violates every applicable law of physics.

(6) The walls of NSA headquarters have giant video screens of sattelite imagery darting about as if these are live shots of key government facilities being monitored. But if you look closely they are simply the same images from Google's KeyHole program, also available at How do I know? Because the White House, the US Capitol, and other buildings were censored out the exact same way they are on Google!

(7) Blast waves only affect people who are not badasses.

(8) Props to Domann on the disguises. I had forgotten about that scene. Yeah, standing 2 feet awat from someone who knows you very well with your only disguise being a different jacket than usual? Please.

+ author: ScooterJ
+ posted: June 25, 2005 08:19 AM

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